Seven Stages of Grief

Disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and acceptance/hope. These are the seven stages of grief that you are supposed to go through when you deal with anything devastating.

I’ve had a mixture of these and not in that order really. I am still in disbelief, I’m still in denial, I have depression and anger and so so much guilt.

I’m broken and I don’t know how to fix it. I’m angry and I don’t feel like I’ll be happy again. I’m heart broken and I don’t know if time will mend this broken heart.

People tell you that time heals all wounds, but when you have to bury your own child I feel that nothing can fix that.

Disbelief- Sitting in a hospital bed holding my identical twins boys who never got to have their first breath.

Denial/bargaining- Begging the nurses not to take my babies away because they are only sleeping and they will wake up.

Anger- I know it is wrong of me but the more I hear “it was part of Gods plan” the more pissed I get. The more I question if there are Gods/Goddesses and how could their plans be to kill two babies. That just seems like crap to me.

Depression-Crying almost all day everyday. Feeling the pain of giving birth and not hearing the cries of two infants. Not snuggling or feeding your week old babies. Wanting to die because you are so empty and broken that waking up every morning is a reminder that you didn’t protect your babies.

Guilt – A mothers job is to protect her children. To make sure no harm comes to them. I failed them and didn’t do my job. That is why they are not in my arms. That is why they are in an urn on my fire place.

I am no where near ready for hope or acceptance. I don’t know when I will be. What I know right now is I do blame myself and no matter anyone else says it’s how I feel.

Advertisement

Four years without you

4 years
1460 days
35040 hours
2.102000000 minutes
Since I’ve held you sweet boys, kissed you, smelled you, loved on you, sang to you , ran my hands through,Thorins, hair… since Tristian was bald. I miss my boys. I miss what my life should have been. Its your fourth birthday and I still feel guilty. I want to sing to you, kiss your cheeks, smell your hair , love you. You should be tormenting your siblings. I can’t wrap my head around it. I feel like I’m in a daze.

Four years is to long to be without your child. There are names for when you lose your parents, when you lose a husband, ect. There are no names for when you lose a child. I want to be with you boys but your siblings me as well. Feeling torn apart is a constant. I wish you could be here to torment your siblings. I wish you could play with us and know how much we love you.

Thorin had such wavy hair and it makes me wonder how thick and curly it would be now, Tristan was completely bald, so I wonder if you would have hair LOL.

I don’t even have words for how much I miss you or how much I think about you. How much I wish you were here and how much it hurts thinking of how life would be.

Forgive me for failing you. Forgiving me for not fighting harder.

I Love You

Lovsnapshotsoflifeafterloss #4thbirthday #silentnomore

stillbornstillloved

infantloss

lifeafterdeath

Bereavement

bereavedmother

1in4

stillborntwins #saytheirnames

momotwins

teamseymon

thorin

tristian

youaremysunshine

stillborn #stillbornawareness #stillbornbutstillborn #36weekspregnant #thorin #tristian #teamseymon #mamasboys #youaremysunshine #1in4 #stillbornmom

Resume

Owl Alexi Seymon

106 Trailwood dr

Hubert Nc

28539

910-581-5132

alexiq32@hotmail.com

Ballet:

• Sugar plum Fairy- The Nutcracker
• Cinderella- Cinderella
• Juliet- Romeo and Juliet
• Odette- Swan Lake
• Competitive seasons 1999-2008

Tap:

Competitive seasons 1997-2008

Hip hop

• Competitive seasons 1997-2008

Musicals:

• Carrie Anne-Davey Crocket

• Annie-Annie

• The Witch: Into The Woods

• Tevye-Fiddler On The Roof

• Wicked Witch of the West: Wizard of Oz

• Narrator- Joseph and the Amazing Technicolored Dream Coat

• Chorus- High School Musical

CHOREOGRAPHED

• Fiddler on the Roof

• Joseph and the Amazing Technicolored Dream Coat

• High School the Muscial

•  The house of the three little pigs

• Ten reasons why you should have stayed home sick today.

Choreographer Swansboro, NC   2005-2009                                          

• Responsible for writing, teaching, and reviewing

• Assisted in numbers for musicals from students freshmen to seniors

• Student directed

• Supervised field trips

• Ordered Costumes

• Cash handling responsibilities

• Evaluated dancing skills of children and provided dance training to develop skills

Instructor

JHS- Jacksonville, NC 2013          CLHS – Camp Lejeune, NC 2011

SHS – Swansboro, NC 2008 – 2011

Get the Pointe- Morehead, NC 2007-2012

Debbie’s Angels Productions 2018

Downtown West Dance 2019

• Taught color guard, marching and dance

• Worked with horns/drum line

• Ordered equipment, chaperoned trips, helped teach music

• Taught Dance

• Helped with discipline

STORE/RESTAURANTS

• Trattoria 2007-2011

-General manager

• Rue 21

-Sales associate 2012-14

Education

Southern New Hampshire Uni

Manchester, NH

Doctrine of science in sexual trauma therapy

Gpa: 3.4

• Graduation date : 2019

Southern New Hampshire University    Manchester, NH

• Masters of Science

In Substance Abuse Counseling Graduation date: 2016

• GPA: 3.8

ITT Tech School of Criminal Justice   Indianapolis, IN         2008-2012

Bachelors of Criminal Justice Graduation date: September 2012

• GPA:  3.5

Certified Sex and intimacy coach

Internships: 2008-2019

Certifications: NBCC

Skills and Proficiencies

• 20 + years of dance experience

• 16 years of choreography experience

• Salsa
• Tap
• Ballet
• Jazz
• Contemporary
• Pointe
• Hula
• Hip hop

• Merengue
• Creative movement
• Belly dance
• Money management
• Guest handling
• Cashier
• Ordering from venders

Review

“Alexi has taught and choreographed for The City of Swansboro, Swansboro High School, Camp Lejeune High School, Jacksonville High School, Get the Pointe Dance Studio and most recently with Debbie’s Angels Productions. During her tenure at these places she choreographed Fiddler on the Roof, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolored Dream Coat, High School the Musical, The House of the Three Little Pigs and Ten Reasons Why You Should Have Stayed Home Sick Today.

Her vast experience in dance has given her a well-rounded knowledge based in the classics. Classically she has performed such roles as The Sugar Plum Fairy in The Nutcracker Cinderella in Cinderella, Juliet in Romeo and Juliet and Odette in Swan Lake. Mrs. Seymon has also performed in musicals as Annie in Annie, The Witch in Into the Woods, Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof, The Wicked Witch of the West in Wizard of Oz and The Narrator in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolored Dream Coat. She also has many years of competitive experience doing Hip-Hop, Tap and Ballet.”- Stephanie Young

“She seemed really passionate about dance and spreading that passion to her students! That’s always needed when working with children.”- Meme Simmons

3 years coming up

3 years

1095 days

26280 hours

15770000006 minutes

94610000000007 seconds

Since I’ve held you sweet boys, kissed you, smelled you, loved on you, sang to you , ran my hands through,Thorins, hair.

People say it gets easier in time. That the heart break gets numb or it stops hurting as much. I believe that’s the biggest load of crap I’ve heard. Every day I miss you, every holiday is hard, your birthdays are devastating. I should have two sweet toddlers running around tormenting their older siblings. Instead I cuddle an urn.

Instead Taylinn kisses my necklace goodnight.

Instead I cry on the floor trying to figure out why my body failed me.

Instead I take an urn outside for “fresh air”.

They say grief is a reflection of how much you loved someone…. I apparently love you boys so much that grief is an every day thing that’s not going away.

It’s an everyday struggle. I miss your chubby cheeks and your curly hair and your sweet toes and fingers. I miss you boys so much.

Thorin Geoffrey Dashwood Henry Seymon8:15 am 4 pounds 11 oz 20 inches

And

Tristan Emil Gary John Seymon8:25 am 4 pounds 3 oz 18 inches

Feb. 24th 2017

36 weeks

A heart shatters true

There’s been so much going on in my life that it’s been hard to write. Thorin and Tristians third birthday is coming up and that’s been weighing on me heavily. Every day it’s a constant heart ache missing them.

So, let’s start from the beginning… I got a dvpo(Restraining order)on Will. (Which he broke and ended up in jail for)It’s gotten to where he’s practically stalking and harassing my family. He’s threatened and showed up to my house and even ended up in jail over it. Going for full custody of my kids is what’s best, since the kids have been telling me how abusive he is to them. Since he was physically and mentally abusive to me I’m going to believe them.

I’m doing what I can to make my kiddos safe, they want nothing to do with him and I’ll be their voice since the court won’t listen To them. Telesforo is scared to see him and is nervous but my baby is amazing and will be okay.

I’m getting surgery so I can start ivf. I want another baby so bad it hurts. Idk if the drs will be here or in KA. I’m scared about new doctors.

Moving on, my grandmas COPD has gotten worse over the year. She ended up in ICU because her breathing and came home last night with hospice. She smiled and loved on the kids and went to sleep. I checked on her around 7 am she had passed in sleep. She had been asleep 2 hours earlier. Finding her like that was heart breaking.

My parents and kids came to mamas house and Tay asked for her not to be taken 💔😔 We sat in the room and cried together.

My aunt ended up in ICU with her not feeling well and being dehydrated. It was scary as well.

I hope next month is better to be honest. I hope the kids are heard when they say they want nothing to do with will. Timmy has been going around saying he’s not his dad because he’s mean. Tay freaks out when she hears the bass of a car. I need something to give. My kids need to feel safe. By the goddess a heart shatters true.

The goddess needs to let up, please.

Little update

So, I’ve been in remission for months and you’d think that would be great but not really. I ended up miscarrying the boys at 21 weeks i had another placenta abruption and it broke my heart. and that sent me over the edge for a huge depression. I laid in bed and Andrue had to take care of me. He took off a week and took care of everything. Don’t know what I’d do without that man.

My body has been slowly healing but mentally it’s been hard. I feel like I’m not good enough. Miscarrying a set of twins and having a set stillborn makes you think about it. I was told the radiation was a factor with the high bp but it still hurts.

I want to curl up in a ball still. But, I’ve met a group of angel moms and they have been a huge help. We talk all the time and I’ve been meeting up and planning on meeting with others.

It’s very therapeutic, and helps with how I feel. They know how I feel , though no one should understand this feeling. It’s nice to talk to people to do.

My psych helps but when we move to ka I’ll have to find a new one… I love Angie and I’m really not excited about it.

Pregnant with twins take two

I’ll be perfectly honest, when I found out I was horrified. After Thorin and Tristian a positive pee stick is something that makes my heart stop. I starting sobbing in the doctors, they probably thought I was losing it.

Finding out they where twins I felt my heart drop. The thing is, I feel like I’m cheating on the boys… my emotions are all over. I want to be happy but then I feel guilty. Then I feel guilty about feeling guilty. My head is all over the place. I’ve never felt as alone as I do in this, even though I have a support system. But, none of them can really get it. Every time I spot, everytime I cramp I freak out. I take it out on everyone or I clam up and don’t want to do anything. The hardest part is knowing they’re momo and the same thing could happen.

Andrue is excited. He saw they where twins and freaked. I want to make him happy but I’m scared. So fucking scared.

The boys would be almost 3 and I can’t even imagine them running around while I’m pregnant with momo twins again. I try to stay positive but I’m literally so confused on how to feel I usually just go to bed crying. My heart and head are arguing over the whole thing.

I wish someone could sit me down and just tell me it’ll be okay and actually know. I looked at pictures of the boys and my pregnancy and cried a good two hours. I’m not sure what to do at this point. I’m not sure how to feel. Why I feel how I feel. Well, I know why… I just wish my Head would stop freaking out and my heart would stop hurting or feeling guilty.

This pregnancy has been hard enough, I just want a day I don’t feel like imma explode. Depression is a Bitch, hormones adding to it make it a hell of a lot worse. My entire world was turned upside down and I’m horrified it will again. But the feeling of guilt and confusion is the worse part.

Sometimes it’s a little to real

I’ve never said I was perfect, I’m far from it. I make mistakes and I cry a lot. I get stuck in my past and I sit there and get don’t see a way out. I talk to a therapist, I take my meds, I see my doctors, I do what I’m supposed to do but sometimes it just gets to real for me.

There are times at night I wake up and have to bite my tongue from screaming because I feel Andrues arm around me. I have to calm myself down and remember it should be there.

I’ve had nightmares where I’ve pissed myself, woken up had to change sheets clean myself off and go back to bed. It makes me cry that I’m damaged like this. That you hold this over me. That I’ll randomly flinch still when someone gets to close. Or if I close my eyes to long I’ll see it.

When it was good, it was good. But little things set you off. Something at work got you annoyed and I said something that apparently started an argument and it led to you grabbing me by my hair and slamming my head into the wall.

You said it wouldn’t happen again. You went to bed early and I woke you up to see if you’d have dinner with me. You didn’t like how I woke you up. You followed me into the bathroom and choked me till I passed out. I woke up to you kicking me and saying you didn’t say I could pass out. I was in a puddle of my own piss.

You made me feel bad for these. I could have avoided these if I wasn’t bothering you. I still half way feel bad about them. And you know what, I found comfort with someone else. Someone who was simple, didn’t like confrontation, loved big, and wouldn’t lay a hand on me.

You tell people all these things about me to make it look like you’re the victim and you did nothing wrong, and that’s okay. I’m not mad. I think the worse part was having to get over the part of talking to someone all day everyday for years to nothing. You know they are toxic and narcissistic but you want to check on them and make sure they are okay because that damn empath in you wants to make sure that friend you once had is okay.

It doesn’t matter you still have nightmares or that you’re slowly healing. It’s ridiculous; the human mind that is.

If you would have asked me last year today, I’d have said we would be best friends forever. In each other’s lives forever. How quickly things change.

Ovarian Cancer, diabetes, and all that comes with it.

About two months ago i was diagnosed with diabetes and it shook me. I mean I drank two gallons of water a day, I’m a vegan, I don’t eat junk , I work out, I teach dance, and I go to the gym. What the actual. Talk about hurt feelings. My partner has his phone set to twice a day and will take my sugar level twice a day. I woke up to him trying to do it while i was sleeping, because that won’t wake me up. Lawd.

So, about a month later i was given the news that i had ovarian cancer. This rocked me to the core. Because, I had found out I was pregnant a little while before that. So, it was basically a waiting game of how long will it take miscarry after starting radiation. My entire world was falling apart around me and there was literally nothing i could do about it. My entire body has been hurting; I’m not sure if it’s the cancer, the miscarriage, my Fibromyalgia, or what I’ve been going to physical therapy for. All I know is I’m a god damn mess and I don’t see how the hell im supposed to pick myself up.

My partner also has his phone set to three times a day to when I have to take my meds. He has been helping with the kids and there are points where I can’t even get out of bed and he will literally help me get everywhere I need to get, do everything I need to do, he’s been a non stop blessing with helping since everything has happened.

I feel like my Head is going to explode and my heart is completely broken. I don’t know what I did to have everything happening at once. But I even though I have a great support team I feel completely alone. Like no one is there for me. There is no one on my side to understand the pain and heartache I’m dealing with.

I’m over everything and just want to give up. My partner pulled me on his lap yesterday and told me he wanted to have kids with me yesterday and he was here for the long hall. But, it’s hard to imagine anyone wanting any sort of good thing with me. I’m just traumatized from everything going on. I’m over everything bad.

Year two

Today you boys would have been two years old. I woke up around 6 sobbing like a bitch, it’s been an on and off thing all day. I can’t help but wonder what you boys would look like, how you would act. Would you be terrorizing your siblings? Would you be laughing and rolling everywhere? It would be double the trouble that’s for sure. But, I sure as hell would love to have it here that’s for sure.

I feel almost empty, my heart is hurting. I have fights in my head everyday on where I should be. I know I have three kids here and I’m tired of hearing that. It doesn’t help, it makes it worse. What about my boys? Who’s with them? Who’s raising them? They don’t have their mommy. Don’t they need me? I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling torn in half. Half my heart died when they did.

What If I did something when I was pregnant to cause this? Was it the trip to Florida? Was it going to the protests? Was it the accident? I could have done something different and you boys would be here today with me. These questions haunt me everyday. I feel awful thinking this way, but what can I do? There are nights when everyone go to bed and I curl up and cry myself to sleep because I feel broken. The next day I put myself together and act like I’m okay. There’s nothing else I can do, I’ve gotten so used to being the one who pulls everyone else up that I’m sinking more.

I just want to feel whole again. I want to smile again and mean it. I want to have a day where I’m happy and not cry at night. I miss my boys.

Happy birthday my sweet boys, I hope that lolo and papa and uncle Bobby are celebrating with you because I can’t. I hope you got your balloons and I hope you are happy where you are. I’m sorry that I’m not happier. I’m sorry this is so hard for me. I wish I could be happier. It’s so hard not having you in my arms. Not listening to you laugh, not seeing you play, not watching you grow.

2 years

730 days

104 weeks

24 months

17520 hours

Since I was able to hold you, sing to you, love on you, since you where taken from me and it was the hardest day of my life.

Thorin Geoffrey Dashwood Henry Seymon8:15 am 4 pounds 11 oz 20 inches

And

Tristan Emil Gary John Seymon8:25 am 4 pounds 3 oz 18 inches

Feb. 24th 2017

36 weeks

Sunday is two years

It’s almost a numbing feeling, knowing that you boys would be two years old on Sunday. I can’t put into words how I’m feeling. I can say that I’m heartbroken , I can say that I want to cry, scream, crawl into a hole and fucking die. I can say i want to literally pull my heart out so I don’t feel anymore.

I know that I take it out on people who don’t deserve it; I’m not stupid. I know I give attitude, I know I curl up and stop talking, I know I clam up. I don’t know how to process this. I still don’t. It’s been almost two years without you beautiful boys and I’m still wanting to run. Pretend this didn’t happen. So many things have happened since you boys passed and I’m still stuck.

People have moved on, why wouldn’t they? But, I feel like I’m stuck in time. Like I’m screaming and no one can hear me. I’m pulling my hair out and I’m crying, no sobbing, and people just keep walking. I’m broken and I don’t know how to heal. I try to smile and I try to play the role of happy go lucky and it just makes me want to cry harder.

At night when people are asleep I cry in the bathroom. I sit in the corner and just cry. My hearts not the same, I don’t know if it will ever be the same. And I don’t know if I want to move forward and try new things or stay where I’m at just tell everyone to fuck off. It’d make life easier to be honest. It would make their life easier.

I don’t know where my head is at; I do know it’s not where it should be. Sigh. I miss my boys. Every god damn day I miss my boys.