Disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and acceptance/hope. These are the seven stages of grief that you are supposed to go through when you deal with anything devastating.
I’ve had a mixture of these and not in that order really. I am still in disbelief, I’m still in denial, I have depression and anger and so so much guilt.
I’m broken and I don’t know how to fix it. I’m angry and I don’t feel like I’ll be happy again. I’m heart broken and I don’t know if time will mend this broken heart.
People tell you that time heals all wounds, but when you have to bury your own child I feel that nothing can fix that.
Disbelief- Sitting in a hospital bed holding my identical twins boys who never got to have their first breath.
Denial/bargaining- Begging the nurses not to take my babies away because they are only sleeping and they will wake up.
Anger- I know it is wrong of me but the more I hear “it was part of Gods plan” the more pissed I get. The more I question if there are Gods/Goddesses and how could their plans be to kill two babies. That just seems like crap to me.
Depression-Crying almost all day everyday. Feeling the pain of giving birth and not hearing the cries of two infants. Not snuggling or feeding your week old babies. Wanting to die because you are so empty and broken that waking up every morning is a reminder that you didn’t protect your babies.
Guilt – A mothers job is to protect her children. To make sure no harm comes to them. I failed them and didn’t do my job. That is why they are not in my arms. That is why they are in an urn on my fire place.
I am no where near ready for hope or acceptance. I don’t know when I will be. What I know right now is I do blame myself and no matter anyone else says it’s how I feel.