February.24, 2017. 6:30 am
I couldn’t sleep anymore , I was way to excited. At my Monday appointment I was 7 centimeters dialated and was told I would probably meet them at my Friday appointment, after they checked to see if they where okay since my ex husband decided to kick me in the stomach among other things. I had left him and he wasn’t thrilled about me being with someone else or being pregnant. They still had heart beats at that moment. I hadn’t felt them moving much the day before or that morning but my doctor said it was okay, there was two of them and had no room.
I got dressed and took a quick photo of my belly since I figured it was the last time I’d have my belly with the boys. As I was driving to the hospital for my appointment I couldn’t help worry a bit as I felt uncomfortable and sharp pains. I figured it was more labor.
My appointment was at 8 but I got there at 6:30 because I wanted to make sure everything was okay. I went to L&D and they had me standing there waiting. I cramped up and grabbed the desk. There was blood all around my feet. I begged the nurse to go up and she said it was just my water. I knew it wasn’t , this wasn’t my first child. I stood in my own blood for about an hr before a doctor saw me and rushed me upstairs. They got me a cup to pee in and about fainted in the bathroom. Instead of clear liquid from me going pee all you saw was blood. I quickly pulled the cord and a nurse came running in and helped me to the bed. I don’t know why it shocked me. I was already bleeding.
They brought out the fetal Doppler and placed it on my stomach. There was nothing coming back. The nurse smiled at me and made some comment about them hiding. A doctor came in and took the Doppler and after about 5 minutes looked at me and said the words no one wants to hear. “I’m sorry there are no heart beats. ”
They called in the UT to see if they just missed it, as soon as she put the wand on my stomach my water broke. I’m sobbing by this point wanting my family, they pulled up my ICE contacts and the number was wrong. Which angered me, I had changed it over a dozen times! I gave my phone to the nurse and she called ten times, she couldn’t get up with anyone.
They tried to get me to sign papers to get a csection, I said no. They tried to put ivs in me, I said no. Amy(the nurse who helped me with everything) tried to help me up so I could give birth in the shower room. We made it just in time. Amy took my hand and squeezed it and told me to push and at 8:15 am I gave birth to Thorin.
There were no sounds in the room. I had never heard a room so quiet. Before I could even see him they took him out and started cpr. The other nurse shook her head and asked why they even bothered it wasn’t going to do anything. Amy told her to shut up and kicked her out of the room.
Nothing was making sense, I was crying hysterically. Amy was rubbing my hair and back trying to comfort me. This is when I felt the urge to push again. No one spoke as I sobbed and pushed feeling the contractions. 8:25 am and Tristian was born. They took him and tried cpr with him.
I was sobbing, screaming for my babies, as we went to the room. I got in bed and kept trying to get out. I tried getting out of bed to go to them. Amy sat down on the bed, she didn’t care there was blood and after birth and all that everywhere. She sat down wrapped her arms around me and held me as I was completely broken hearing the doctors say they couldn’t be saved.
I don’t know how much time went by before Amy helped me get cleaned up. She walked me over to the boys and helped me clean them and dry them and then weighed them.
Thorin was 4 pounds 11 oz 20 inches Tristian was 4 pounds 3 oz and 18 inches long. After she wrote it down for me she helped me into bed and handed the boys to me. I kissed them and spoke to them and sang to them the lullaby I had written for them.
30 minutes I had with them. Only 30 minutes to meet my boys and hold them for the first and last time. They came in and took my boys from me. I sobbed and begged them not to take them. Let me have more time. But they said they couldn’t. Amy once again held me as I sobbed hysterically. I carried them eight months only to have half an hour with them.
The room was quiet again and you could hear new borns on both sides of me. So I discharged myself , my parents held my hands as I went down stairs. They had been in the waiting room not realizing this was the first and last time they’d meet their grand babies. It was a heart break I think for everyone. Going to the car my dad practically carried me as I sobbed the whole way home.
My boobs hurt from a milk supply that won’t be used. My body hurts from giving birth to two beautiful boys. My heart aches to hold my boys and breaks knowing I never will again. I have the hormones of a mother who just gave birth. But no babies to show from it. I am supposed to be woken up every two hours from babies crying wanting to be fed, instead I’m waking up every two hours because I’m crying hysterically.
Ive never felt a pain like this, or felt so empty before. Looking at a crib that’s empty or clothes that won’t be worn. It’s heart ache, one I wouldn’t wish for on my worse enemy.
Their nursery was already done, I would sit in the rocking chair and sob. I’d cuddle their blankets and wish to be anywhere but here.
windandthewolf 