How could you love me?

I don’t understand these feelings I’ve been feeling. I swear I feel like I’m schizophrenic. One second I’m okay the next I’m sobbing the next I’m angry. I had someone write me and say they are sorry for my loss and I wanted to bite their head off. Like are you really sorry?! Do you just want details as to what happened or do you care?!

My rational side knows the answer, my hormonal unrational side is just angry. I’ve been picking fights with people, I’ve broken things, and have done things I can’t and won’t write down because I’m just ashamed I let my depression get the best of me. 

I feel selfish, I’ve had so many people that have helped me. So many who have dropped everything to be with me. People who have called, sent messages, flowers, and cards. People who check on me everyday and it just doesn’t seem to fill this empty void in my chest.  I’ve prayed, meditated, yelled, screamed, questioned everything and everyone. 

I blame myself for my boys dying, I blame myself because no one in my family got to say goodbye to them, I blame myself for everything. I feel like I don’t deserve to be loved or to have the love of my other three beautiful children. 

How could they love me if I am responsible for the deaths of their brothers? How can people say my best trait is being a mother? How could they love me when I hate myself? 

The worse part is when people say they get it when they’ve never lost a child. They’ll compare it to a cousin or grandma dying and it just makes me mad. I pushed out two babies whose souls already left their bodies and you want to compare this to your grandma? I really am sorry your grandma died but you have no idea what I’m going through. 

I’ve had multiple miscarriages and each one hurt more then the last. But I don’t think think anything measures up to the amount of pain as losing your child and still having to deliver them.  Do not get me wrong, miscarriage is one of the worse things to ever happen to someone. I’m saying this is worse to ME. 

I’ve had friends who have had miscarriages and have had to get the baby removed by D&C. I’ve had two D&C’s and a few other miscarriages that passed naturally. I am not saying it doesn’t hurt and it’s not awful. I’m saying to ME this is the worse thing that’s every happened to ME. 

I’m angry and I’m tired. I’m tired of waking up and my boys not being in the crib. I’m tired of feeling like crying all the time because I don’t have them. I’m angry with myself and hate how much this affects the kids as well. I’ve never seen my eldest so sad in the almost 9 years he’s been alive. I hate that my daughter kisses the necklace around my neck and says “hi brothers”. 

A parent shouldn’t have to say goodbye to their babies. It’s not right. 

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