I feel like I’m frozen in time, like I’m stuck in this one spot watching everyone move on with their lives. It blows my mind, like this life altering devistating thing happened and everyone is going back to work and going out and having fun. 

I feel as though I’ll never be happy again. That I’ll sit in the background and watch everyone be happy. I’ve deleted multiple people off my fb for them making fake pregnancy announcements , because why the hell would they do that?

I’ve seen pregnancy announcements and ultrasound photos and belly pictures and Sex announcements. Instead of being happy for friends , it makes me angry or I start to cry. It feels selfish that I’m not happy for everyone else. But all I can do is sit here and think; why is it fair they’re having babies and mine died? Why can’t I have my babies? Why did the universe feel like I didn’t deserve them? What did I do that was so horrible that the universe decided to punish me this way?

I watch as people post pictures of them laughing and going out and being joyful and it takes everything in me not to delete everyone. Shouldn’t I be happy they’re happy? Shouldn’t I be happy they aren’t miserable and broken like me? 

Everyone who took time off of work to help and be here for me are back at work. I’m still on my couch trying to heal physically and I’m trying to wrap my head around how everyone is moving on. I know it’s selfish of me to expect them to stay here and be sad with me. But I don’t know how they just get up and act okay. I know they hurt as well, so it’s crazy to me they can move around and work. 

I feel frozen in time as if I just gave birth and I’m home for the first time. My boobs hurt like crazy, my body aches, and my heart is broken. I’m physically feeling better, I still can’t pick up my youngest but I’m getting there.

Every time I think I’ll have an okay day someone will write me or one my kids will ask me about the boys. I’ll never be mad about talking about them , I just ache when I talk about them. I’m mourning, my kids are mourning and in their eyes talking about their brothers makes it better. 

I pray that this hurt goes away and at the same time I don’t want to forget it. I keep some of their ashes in a necklace that I haven’t taken off since I got it. They’re close to my heart and their urn is on my fireplace so I can see them. I catch myself talking to them and I feel their energy around me. It’s comforting and devastating at the same time. 

I know there’s no time limit for mourning, but I just want to know when the pain will go away. When will I stop crying. When will I stop blaming myself. 


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