Week two

It’s been two weeks since I was able to hold you. Two long weeks since I was able to kiss your sweet faces. 14 days since my heart shattered as you where taken from me. I still can’t wrap my head around what happened. I can’t accept that you beautiful boys aren’t here. 

Every day has been a struggle for me. A struggle to get up every morning. A struggle to speak to people. A struggle to smile when my kids ask me what’s wrong. I’m in a constant fight with myself and I’m trying to breath when I just want to scream and hide. 

I can’t joke with people, it upsets me when friends have tried. I put on a fake smile most of the time so people won’t ask me if I’m okay. How can I be when I had a part of me die? I don’t think die is the right word, destroyed seems to be the right fit. A part of me was destroyed when you boys died. 

I can’t even say how many times I’ve faked a laugh or smile so friends and family don’t worry about me. I can’t even describe how I feel on the inside because it’s this constant buzz. This buzz that won’t go away. 

I had a few people tell me to talk to a professional but that’s out of the question because all they’ll do is put me on medicine or put me away. Can’t have that happening, it’s just not in the cards. I’ll meditate and depending on the day it’ll make me feel better or it’ll piss me off. 

I don’t know how to control my emotions that well right now either. It’s like my filter has been shut down more then usual. I don’t think before I speak and it’s caused a few fights. But I feel like I don’t really care that it has. Feeling angry is better then feeling sad or suicidal or crying all the time. 

This has been the hardest two weeks of my life. I’ve had so many people been here for me but I still feel completely alone because none of them can relate to how I’m feeling. I’m starting to resent people in general. It’s a shitty feeling in general. I’m tired of relying on people. 

I feel like I’m being ungrateful if I’m honest with myself. I feel nauseated anytime my mom tells me someone is coming over at night to help. But then if I’m by myself I have an anxiety attack. The ups and downs have been sickening. Feeling trapped because I can’t drive. Feeling useless because I can’t take care of my children or dogs. Feelings helpless because I feel empty. 

8 months of being pregnant, doctors apts twice a week, feeling two babies move inside of me, having every set up for them to come home, a baby shower, siblings and family and friends being excited, the build up at the hospital, all to be let down by seven words. 

Seven words and around 20 minutes of pushing total to turn my entire world upside down. I’m not sure how to think or act. It’s been two weeks since you’ve been gone and I don’t know how I’m still crying. I feel as if I should be dehydrated by now. I don’t think I’ve really slept more then 2 hours a night. My body and mind are physically drained. 

I don’t know how people get through this. I don’t know how they move on to feel semi alive after losing a child. I feel like I’ll never be happy again. That I’ll never be able to smile or really laugh again. People keep saying I’ll find my way or I’ll be happy just give it time. 

How do I put a smile on when I feel so shattered? How will time heal this constant ache? How will time answer all of my questions? 


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