I cried for you. 

Last night it was probably 30 degrees outside and the moon was full. It was beautiful by the campfire, people where spinning fire and singing and dancing and it should have been wonderful. I have to be broken because as much as it looked beautiful I couldn’t feel anything till I started to cry. 

I walked away from the group and I sat on a picnic table and sobbed hysterically. I sobbed for the loss of my sons, I sobbed for my children loosing their brothers, i sobbed for their father, I sobbed for the heart break that my friends and family have at the loss of these beautiful souls. I sobbed at the loss of my belief in the gods because how much I hurt. 

I begged the goddess to start my healing. I begged her to take the pain the away. I begged her to help my loved ones. I know healing takes time but it’s to much. I don’t want to feel anymore and the more time goes by and the more people talk to me the more I feel and the more it hurts. 

I was surrounded by love and was surrounded by warmth and all I could think was I hate myself. They were hugging me and loving me and sending light because they are light. And I feel so much guilt because I couldn’t appreciate it the way they deserve to be appreciated. My heart aches, my body hurts, and my souls shattered. 

Everyone was loving and sweet just like how they always are. It hurts me more that I can’t be dancing and singing and having fun with them. I can put on a fake smile and laugh but it doesn’t seem real and it hurts. I have so much love and appreciation for all of them. They drove up here to see me and heal with me and I love them, or I think I do. I’m having trouble believing love is real, because they said the Gods are love , but if they are love and this is so then 

why hurt us this way?

Why take away two babies who would be loved so so much. Who had to many people waiting to be with them. As I was told last night , I will meet them again. I will see them and know their souls. But, why give another mother my loves? Why let someone else have the opportunity to raise my boys instead of me? They would have changed the world and brought so much love and knowledge and just good. 

I am lost. I am imperfect. I am hurt. I am confused. I am questioning everything. I am shattered. Forgive me. 


One thought on “I cried for you. 

  1. But you are starting the healing process. Grieving IS the healing process. It’s the rawest, hardest, blackest, loneliest part. And you WILL get thru it. It’s okay to feel like this, and I hate that you feel like you have to ask for forgiveness or say I’m sorry because you DONT. There is no one in this world that you have to say sorry to, or ask for forgiveness because you’re entitled to feel this way. You’re allowed to hurt. And I know you do. Just don’t fake it. Take as much time as you need. And if people ask what’s wrong, tell them honestly; your heart is broken. It hurts.
    I love you
    ~ chicken noodle soup


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