I was told that I’m complaining when I write these blogs. It completely flabbergasted me. I’m writing these to deal with my grief and maybe help others who are going through the same thing. I don’t understand people and how they can be so cruel. But besides that, I’m having a semi decent day today. I feel a little bit like a human and my body isn’t hurting as much. I think my body is starting to understand that I am not breast feeding and that I don’t need the milk supply.
Everyone has been so helpful and loving during this entire thing. I’ve never been surrounded by so much love and compassion and just good people. This includes those who aren’t here and send me messages or call or text or send snaps.
There’s one person, which I hope he knows I’m talking about him. He has touched my soul on multiple occasions and I don’t think he even knows it. He called me Phoenix and told me that I would rise through the flames of this and become so much brighter. It was the first time someone had talked to me like that and made me feel as if there was a shimmer of hope on the horizon. We’ve spoken a few times and he has no idea how much he’s impacted me. And like I told him earlier today, I hope we do cross paths again; only time and space can answer this.
I have realized that I’ve started the healing process. That mourning and crying is all apart of healing. I still can’t accept that my boys are gone and the pain is the worse feeling I’ve ever felt in my whole life. I don’t think I’ll ever feel whole again. But I also realize how lucky I am to have such an amazing support system.
I’ve been with my tribe the past few days and have sat down individually with them and have talked with them. It’s so good for the soul, they are so beautiful and bring such light into my world that is just dark right now. Even something as ‘little’ as getting a hug from Ash and Gabby and them whispering to me “you are beautiful, you are light, you are love, you are love.” It makes me cry every time, but it’s things like that with them showing me so much love that has been such comfort.
Without my mother I would already be in a hole. She has spent almost 24/7 with me since the boys passed away. She has helped with the kids, cooked, cleaned, has helped Telesforo with school work, has been a shoulder to cry on , and just amazing.
Every morning has been getting harder and harder to get up. But, at the same time I can feel my boys light and love surrounding me and it has brought some comfort. Comfort and pain. The only thing I want is to hold you beautiful boys. My body aches to hold you.
Today has been the first day in weeks where I have felt semi human. Just keep thinking today is an okay-ish day.