I wish I had something to numb the pain. I wish I had something to wipe my memory. I wish that I could wake up and all of this be a nightmare. I wish I could find people funny instead of faking a laugh or faking a smile.
My days go from good to bad to good to just awful. It’s taking everything in me to smile and talk to people everyday. It takes everything in me to hold conversations. I can’t even begin to say how much I hate when people come over and try to talk to me because I feel so drained from trying.
My emotions are so all over the place it’s ridiculous. I was going through my closet and found baby clothes. It felt like my entire soul was shattered again. I’m scared to go through stuff in my house because I’m terrified I’ll find more stuff for them.
I couldn’t go through their stuff after they passed because it would have killed me. I had my mom and sister go through everything and donate it to the women’s shelter. At least everything will be used and they won’t be charged for it. I know the boys would be happy their stuff didn’t go to waist.
As selfish as it sounds I don’t want to donate everything. I want my babies to wear the clothes, to sit in the owl car seats, to play with their toys, to drink from the bottles, to cuddle with the blankets. I don’t want a stranger to have them. I don’t want another baby to have their stuff. I know it’s selfish and it’s horrible of me to say. But I want my babies.
I ask the Gods and Goddesses multiple times a day to tell me why. To tell me why they hurt me, why they took my loves. I just want to understand. I want to know why this happened. What could I have done differently to have made them be here and not Summerland.
I would do anything to feel them kick and move in my belly. I’d do anything to see them smile or grab their toes or cry. I want to wake up every two hours to them screaming. I want to change two new born diapers. I want to be sleep deprived.
I’m angry. I’m confused. I’m sad. I’m devistated. Finding those clothes hurt me. It feels like Friday the 24th all over again. Help me.