I used to cut myself to not hear the buzzing in my head. When it got so bad I slit my wrists, I didn’t want to feel anymore and I didn’t want to hurt. The thing is; when you’re so depressed or when you are so deep in the black you can’t see right or wrong up or down.
It’s been such a conflict these past few weeks. I want to be with Tristian and Thorin. The mom side of me doesn’t want them to be alone. The other side knows that my three beautiful kids needs me. I’m so conflicted on how to feel, how to act, how to really talk.
I haven’t sang or played an instrument or danced since my boys passed away. I haven’t felt the motivation, the spirit, or the joy that was flowing in my body. That part feels like it died when my soul and heart were shattered. I want nothing more then feel whole and to feel like I’ll be happy again.
Mourning is something you have to do alone. It’s not something anyone else can understand or know exactly what you’re going through. I read earlier no one can put a time limit on mourning. No one can tell you how to mourn. No one can judge you for how you mourn. But it feels like people are judging or at least annoyed that I’m depressed and upset and feeling awful.
It’s been three weeks since you boys where taken from me. It’s been three weeks since I was able to touch your faces and kiss you. For the people who asked why I am not okay yet, why am I not feeling better? Let me ask you this; have you ever lost a child? Have you ever lost a part of you? Because if you haven’t I don’t think it’s fair that you tell me how long I have to “get over it”. I don’t think it’s fair for you to tell me “get over it. ”
I don’t feel whole anymore and I am past the point of confliction. Half of me is being pulled one way the other half pulled in the other direction. I want to be with my boys but I know I’m needed here to be with my three other babies. 😞I’ll come to my own peace, eventually. Hopefully.