Yesterday I was able to laugh, smile, and joke. I had a day where I didn’t fake my smile and I didn’t fake my laugh. It was like an out of body experience. I embraced my inner demons and in return the white noise stopped in my head for a while.
All day I was talking to someone who makes me feel at peace. At the same time I was surrounded by people who love and accept me and are okay with the fact that I am emotionally unstable and they still love me. It was the first time in weeks I felt like I wasn’t a leper. It was the first time I felt like I wasn’t just here.
I was told that I should embrace my demons, that I should accept them and that I was worthy of so much more. That I wasn’t to blame for my twins. I still can’t accept it’s not my fault, the pain is still something that I feel more then anything. But… I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of hating myself. I know it’ll take time to get back to myself and I’m okay with that.
I’m okay with taking my time to see the truth or to feel less pain. I am surrounded by people who love me, including those who are physically not here. I don’t think I would have made it through yesterday without the love I was surrounded by.
I had multiple breakdowns and was not going to be okay. I couldn’t be more thankful for Rave and Megan and Ann and lacey. They put up with me and laughed with me and brought smiles to my face all day. My parents were so helpful and loving yesterday and took us out and helped with my psychie.
My demons haunt me most of the time and I have nightmares every night. Every night but last night, it was the first time I have had a decent dream and more then three hours of sleep in weeks. It was refreshing. I know I am more then what I’ve done and what has been done to be. I need to find my self esstiem. I need to myself again. I’m trying. I know it will take time and I’m okay with working on myself.