It’s been a long day

It’s Wednesday. That means Friday is two days away. I get physically sick thinking of Friday. The thought my boys would have been a month old hurts me. I’ve never felt an ache or so empty in my whole life. I would do anything to hold them again. 

I was talking about the hospital last night and everything that happened and I felt my heart re break. I cried the whole time. There are emotions I’m feeling that I can not even put into words because they aren’t good enough. They don’t describe the agonizing pain that I’m feeling. 

I smile and I laugh with people while I’m dying on the inside. I don’t want people thinking I don’t appreciate everything they’ve done for me, but I need people to realize it’s only been a month since I lost two children. Since my soul shattered, since a part of me died. I have some people who know I’m bullshiting when I smile and laugh and they’ll tell me it’s okay to not want to smile. 

This is a roller coaster, one I didn’t want to get one. I have good days and I have bad day and I have days I just want to slit my wrists and be done with everything. I saw beams of lights shining through the clouds and I knew the boys were smiling and watching over me. 

I know I repeat myself a lot. I just feel that if I keep things to myself it’ll turn dark very fast and that’s not something I want. I don’t want to become dark when I have so much love and peace to give. I just don’t know how to handle my emotions. 

I feel bad for my friends and family that have to deal with me. One second im semi okay. The next I’m a raging bitch or depressed or sobbing. People tell me to talk to a professional and it upsets me. I don’t want to and I don’t want to be put on medicine. I want to be clear minded. I want to feel the pain or the happiness or the other emotions I’m feeling. 

It takes time. It takes patience. It takes love. It takes so much to try to heal. I just wish I knew I had the strength to heal and I wish I knew that things would get better. I just wish people would stop saying it’ll be okay or it’ll get better soon. It doesn’t make it feel any better. It honestly makes me feel worse. 

Here’s to hoping the Goddess knows what she’s doing by throwing these tests at me. It’s been a long day and a long month. 


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