One month gone. 

It’s been one month, 30 days, 720 hours, 43200 minutes, and what seems like an eternity since I gave birth to you two beautiful boys. Thorin came into the world at 8:15 am weighing 4 pounds 11 oz and was 20 inches long. Tristian came into the world at 8:25 am weighing 4 pounds 3 oz and was 18 inches long. 

I was almost 33 weeks pregnant. I held them and kept waiting for them to wake up. They looked like they where sleeping. How I begged the mother Goddess to wake them up. I’m still begging her to wake me up so I can realize this was a huge night mare. 

With each passing day my heart hurts more and more. I’m not sure if that’s what is supposed to happen. My arms ache to hold you two, my breasts ache to nurse you boys, my soul wants to be whole and not in thousands of pieces. 

I know you are guardian angels guiding and helping people and looking over your siblings and I. But, how I want to be selfish. I know your light was just to bright for this world. But, I want you here in my arms. I want to love you and hold you and carry you.  

A mother never gets over loosing her child. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been, how old her children where , or the reason the passed away. Grief does NOT expire. Please do not tell me, a mother whose children have died to move on, get over it, or to be happy they are with some higher being. You say you are “sick” of my complaining? I have to live with this every single day. 

It’s so hard to get up in the morning. It’s so hard to get dressed , to shower, to talk to people. I don’t want to do anything but lay down and cry. To go in a hole and never come back up. I messed up somehow and that mess up cost me my twins. 

I don’t know if this was punishment or if the universe just truely hates me but this pain is unbearable. I’ve had people tell me that being a mother is one of my best qualities. If that’s true, why take away two babies that I could have raised?! 

One month has passed since I was able to hold you boys and kiss your faces and sing to you. One month since I was robbed of you boys. It’s gotten harder. I read that when a soul shatters it never becomes whole again….. Does that mean I’ll be broken the rest of my life on Earth?


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