I see everyone going to work, playing, and doing what their supposed to do in their lives and I can’t help but feel like I’m being cheated or that I’m jealous of these people doing this like this horrific tragedy didn’t just happen.
Maybe I’m jealous that I can’t go to work. Maybe I’m jealous that I can’t take my kids to the park and not cry because I see a newborn. Maybe I’m jealous that I can’t seem to really dance or sing with passion anymore. Maybe I’m just jealous of people who are pregnant and having healthy babies.
It’s frustrating that I’m so angry and so… sad when I see people announce they’re pregnant or show ultra sounds or belly photos. I unfollowed a lot of people because every time I see it I cry or I get mad. I keep asking “why” why would this happen? Why me? Why can’t I have my boys? Why can’t my feelings be heard?
My friends and family are working and doing things with their family and I just sit here like “am I the only one affected by this? ” I know people grieve in their own way and people have lives, but why can’t I do things and act like I’m not completely dying on the inside.
All I want to do is hold them, protect them, love them, feed them, comfort them. I want to be apart of their lives and raise them. I want to be selfish and have them with me.
One of the worse parts is that I’m scared to go out. I’m scared to leave my house, my anxiety is way worse now then it ever was. I start hyperventilating or break out into hives or just freak out. And running into people I know is awful. They give you that look and they want to hug and say they’re sorry and ask if you need anything or want to talk let them know. I get you’re trying to be nice but having a mental break down in the middle of the mall is not on my to do list.
And to be honest there is nothing anyone can do. No one can help in this situation. Unless you can give me my boys, there is nothing that be done. There are some days I’m angry that I feel so broken, other days I tend to embrace it. But for right now? I just want to mourn and not be bothered. I don’t want people asking me questions, I don’t want people giving me the look of pity.
I want to talk to someone and them not ask me if I’m okay first thing. That’s something I want, a normal conversation where no one feels bad for me. But, then again… I’m such an emotional wreck I’d probably cry thinking no one cares that I’m dying inside.
I’m a stillborn mother and I want to know… What’s next?
windandthewolf 