She just wants to hold them. 

I got a tattoo for my boys yesterday and it was really hard. The whole time I wanted to cry. Looking over the drawing with their names and birthday and times they where “born” made me want to curl up in a ball and die. 

I’ve been slowly starting to leave my house and going places with my mom. Someone brushed my shoulder and I about had a panic attack. I know people say not to rush myself when it comes to doing things but if I keep myself in the house I feel like I’d hurt myself. Staring at their urn is hard, I know I have them around my neck but that’s a comfort. I don’t know why there’s a difference. 

I want to feel like myself again, but the more I push myself the more I feel like a stranger. I miss my boys, I had such a connection with them when I was pregnant and it was just ripped from me. I look in the mirror and all I can see is a vessel. I keep saying my soul was shattered and it feels like it’s not getting easier. 

People tell me it’s only been a month and I’m still in shock, which I think is true. My stomach will twitch and I’ll think the boys are moving. Just to be smacked in the face with the realization that I’m not pregnant anymore. I mean, they’d be here by now so I wouldn’t be pregnant anymore. But, the fact I’m not pregnant and I’m not holding them is the worse part. 

Taylinn said she wanted to visit her brothers and didn’t understand why heaven was so far away. That she wanted them to know she loved them and she didn’t think it was fair she couldn’t tell them. I know they’re her guardians but all she wants to do is talk to them. She kissed my necklace every day and says she loves them. She just wants to hold them and love them. 

Telesforo wears a bracelet with their ashes and he kisses it and talks to it. He’s sad and he misses them and doesn’t understand. How can I explain to him when I don’t understand? I don’t get why this would happen or how it would happen. My heart hurts. My body hurts. My soul hurts. 

I just want to stop this empty feeling. Stop this feeling of being alone. The truth is , I fake smile and laugh so people stop worrying and it’s making me feel worse. It’s not lying technically. But it’s not being honest. I just want my head to stop pounding, to feel semi human. To feel like I’m doing something other then crying and feeling bad. 

Is this to much to ask for? Is it to much to ask for a small break? 


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