Are all holidays going to be hard?

Thursday is Timothy’s second birthday. Next Sunday is Easter. My heart is hurting at the thought that you boys won’t be here for either. I have two little outfits that you would have worn on Easter. Onsies with little ties and suspenders on them. With these cute little shoes to match. 

Is every holiday going to make me cry? Is it going to hurt every time I shop for my children… to celebrate with my family and know that two people are missing every single holiday. To get gifts for three of my children and not all five? Every time I go to the store I have to close my eyes and count to ten to avoid sobbing when I see baby clothes, toys, and stuff. It’s shity when you go furniture shopping and the baby section is right to it. 

I heard that the greatest loss a person can experience is the loss of a child/children. I think that’s true. It doesn’t just change you, it demolishes you. I’ve lost a piece of me, the piece that believes in the good in the universe. I’ve had people tell me they’re praying for me and it takes everything in me to ask why. Why pray when it obviously didn’t do anything to begin with. 

I’m bitter. I’m angry. I’m lost. I’m broken. I’m depressed. I’m anxious. I’m a complete mess usually but can put on a happy face so people will leave me alone. It’s not fair to Timothy that I’m scared for Thursday to come because I feel like I’m going to break down and ruin his birthday. He deserves way better then a mother who is weeping constantly. 

I got the kids something’s for Easter and it about broke my heart to only get three things. I want to get five of everything. I want to get five baskets, five toys, five puppies. I feel like a broken record saying this but I don’t know how else to express how broken I feel. 

Will holidays always be hard? Will birthdays always be hard? There are always so many questions when it comes to my life. I keep saying my kids deserve better then me. They deserve better then a mom who is Crazy and broken and always crying. I post pictures and people say “nice to see a smile” or “oh look at that smile. ” it takes everything in me to not roll my eyes and tell them I’m good at faking and I can’t glare when my kids want to take a picture with me. 

I just hope it gets easier, because right now the thought of holidays makes me want to vomit I’m so nauseated. 

“You never get over losing children, you just start a new life. ” 


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