There are so many things going on in my life at this point that it’s a bit over whelming. Timmy turning two, My friends wedding, Easter, Telesforo an I will be going on a mommy/son trip to “shut up and grow it”, school, and the fact I’m still mourning my twins.
It’s not that I’m “dreading” celebrating things, it’s my damn anxiety that makes me kind of freaked out to be around people. It’s hard going in public, even though people don’t know what happened it feels like they’re staring at me. Which causes me to freak out a bit. Someone brushing my arm when they walk past sends me into a damn anxiety attack. It’s ridiculous.
Having Will with me is a bit of a relief, he tends to calm my nerves in public. It might be cause he’s so big and I know that nothing will happen if he’s by me. Sounds really bad but I’ll take what I can get. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m really excited to see one of my oldest friends get married and see her family. Just a bit nervous and hoping I won’t be a complete loser and freeze up. Breathing is good, Alexi. Remember that.
I swear I don’t know how people put up with all my issues. Oh, you have depression and bipolar? Let’s add a dash of anxiety and make you a bit skitzo. No joke. Part of the day you can be Alexi, smile Some and be a little okay. The next part you can be sally, the insane crazy person who will probably kill someone. But it’s cool because Tiffany will come out and fix everything. Yup, it’s a fun time to feel this way.
I know it’s part of the mourning. All the mixed emotions and I swear to Athena I sound mental writing how I’m feeling. Someone is going to end up putting me in a padded room saying I am insane. All I want is for my emotions to calm the fuck down. I get it…. I’m hurt and heart broken. But, do we need to really have so many mood swings?
I’m taking Telesforo to Tennessee Monday to go to Shut up and grow it. First time we’ll have a mommy/son trip that’s the two of us. I’m normally pretty centered around my tribe which is good because I don’t want my almost 9 year realizing how mental his mom is. I’d still like for him to see me as a pretty decent person. At least till he’s ten. I mean, he knows I’m insane and I actually embarrassed him for the first time the other day. Oh my love, it’s going to get so much worse as you get older.
The thing is, I have my good and my bad days. I smile for my kids. I play with them so they don’t think I forgot them. I could never forget you three, I’m just hurting. But having people say “you don’t look depressed today” or “you don’t look like you’re hurting today” is dumb. Just because I’m not crying In a corner today doesn’t mean not feeling broken. Im trying to be strong for my kids. These past 6 weeks they’ve seen my crying more then in their entire lives.
I was supposed to go to my 6 week check up to make sure I healed okay and I couldn’t go. I didn’t want to be around pregnant people and new babies. I didn’t want to see the “look” that you get from doctors and nurses and people who know. Or the “did you have the baby? Or “are you pregnant” questions from people in the waiting room. I’m good on that.
Maybe I am a little bit crazy? Or I’ve lost my mind from all of the stuff going on. All I know is it’s been 6 weeks, 42 days, 1008 hours, 60480 minutes, and 3628800 seconds since I was able to hold you boys, to kiss you, to be with you. And every second without you seems like an eternity. An eternity that hurts more then I ever would have thought possible.