40 weeks

It hit me about an hour. Like really hit me that I would have been full term today. I’m still lactating a little bit and I have random phantom movements. Or I’ll wake up to crying and realize no one is crying. 

I have had so many moments where I just want to slit my wrists and just make it to where I don’t feel this pain. This emptiness. This hole in my fucking heart that hurts more then anything I’ve ever felt. 

I swear to god I am skitzo. I had so much clarity this past week and was feeling at peace and then boom. Here’s Friday and here’s to realizing that I was full term today. These bad days are so bad I just want to be drunk or high and not feel anything. 

I know people think it’s awful for me to say this or to feel this but at this point in my life I could care less how people see me. I lost two babies and my heart at the same time. And I’ve had people say “oh look you’re smiling and out of your house. You must feel so much better. ” no. No I don’t. It’s just I don’t want to stay in the house and cry all day. 

When I’m in nature i feel a bit free and better. Traveling and being on the road makes me feel like I’m following my boys. Because I am slowly suffocating. It’s as if I’m under water and can’t reach the surface. I don’t know what’s up or down anymore. 

I’m picking fights with people, pushing them away, trying to hold myself together. I called my best friend a pill head earlier for taking pain medicine for his knee because I’m feeling so angry. It was ugly and uncalled for. I feel I’ve been making snotty remarks when normally I wouldn’t. My energy is so all over the place that I’m projecting anger and hurt more then the love I have. 

I’ve been projecting off people and sending them my off vibes when I should ground myself. I need help. I need love. I need grace. I need light.  

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