Going to Ohio was one of the best things I possibly could have done. Watching Teddy run around and act like a normal kid was beautiful, the kid didn’t wear shoes the whole time we were there. He played in the waterfall and laughed and danced and it was amazing.
As I was standing in the middle of the forest watching the sunset I could feel my boys and it dawned on me that I’m allowed to feel happiness and it is not cheating on them or forgetting them. . I have my good and my bad days and I have days where I don’t think I will ever be able to smile again and I have days where I can laugh. I talked about my boys I felt their presence and I Felt joy.
I played with Teddy and was able to connect with him on a higher level I was able to laugh with him. Something I have not been able to do for eight weeks. We were able to be mom and son without the pressure on Telesforo to make me feel okay.
I was able to connect with my tribal sisters on such a higher level. I was able to spend time with them and bond with them and create an even stronger connection then I thought possible. A connection that will last this life and the next.
I can’t even begin to say how I feel towards Raven. He spoke to me about my past, my boys, what dreams I want. He rubbed my back as I sobbed hysterically about my pain, about my losses. He showed me it is okay to let your feelings out. There is no shame in showing how you feel.
I was able to breath and heal some. Then it becomes Friday and I feel like I’m dying again. I know Friday’s are always going to be hard for me. But it’s this instant transformation. I can be happy having a good day then midnight comes and it’s instant depression and self loathing.
Eight long weeks since my world was flipped upside down. Since I could kiss you, love you, sing to you. I know you’re with me. I can feel your presence in the wind, the water, the sky. I watched as the pink moon came up and turned the water pink in the woods and I smiled because I felt your kisses. Your love.
My soul is on fire; I need to be traveling. I need to be able to follow where my boys guide me. To help others and mother earth. i know they are my guiding light in this fight to make things better. I don’t want to let them down. I already feel like I’m cheating on them when I laugh or have fun. It’s such a grey area for me.
8 weeks, 56 days, 1344 hours, 80640 minutes, and 4838400 seconds. That’s how long it’s been since I lost a part of me. Since my dread of Fridays. Since my hatred of my body. I have never hated anything as much as this vessel as I do right now. I miss my loves.
I feel like the second I got back to my house my demons came back. Looking at their urn instantly made me cry. Don’t get me wrong, seeing my other two loves was amazing. I missed them. But I just to grab them and go back to my tribe. Back to nature where my soul feels free. Back where I don’t feel like I want to die every day because all I can think about are my my two loves.
I miss who I used to be. I miss being me.
windandthewolf 