Another week goes by and I’m supposed to be fine and dandy. I’m traveling again and helping people and doing things I was doing before I lost my boys. Difference is my soul is broken and I don’t feel as much pleasure helping people as I used too.
Honestly, I’m at the point where I don’t care how much people are judging me. People will never understand the pain or emptiness that I feel. Not unless they’ve lost a child. There’s a part of me that says cutting does help. How the little bit of pain takes away from the heart wrenching feelings I have. How it takes away from me wanting to hang myself from a tree. How doing it helps me not use heroin again or wrap my car around a pole. I know I’m letting people down but at this point it is the one thing keeping me from actually killing myself.
They tell you it gets easier with time that’s part of the problem though isn’t it. You don’t want it to get easier. You feel like if the pain gets less you’re cheating on their memory. That you’re forgetting who they are. That you won’t remember. How could I ever forget these two beautiful boys that I delivered? That I was able to love on. Even if was 30 minutes.
I feel like I didn’t get closure. I didn’t get what I needed from that short time. Then it hits me none of my family was able to say bye. None of them held them or kissed them. And I know that hurts them as well.
I had someone tell me it’s been two months I should change my profile picture and get over it. Get over losing two children. I don’t understand how people can be so cruel or mean. Like why purposely say something like that??
I also had someone tell me that “God” needed my children sooner then planned and it’s apart of his plan. This is one reason I am NOT Christian and why I don’t believe in that god. That doesn’t seem like a kind and loving god that people say. Why would killing two babies be apart of any plan?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not putting down anyone’s religion but I’m begging people to STOP saying this to me. It is a legit smack to the face and it just makes me angry. I’m already angry and depressed among other things. I don’t want to cry all day because someone said my babies were taken on purpose.
I have people who check on me. They don’t ask how I am or how I’m feeling they just talk to me. That’s the best thing for me. They don’t act like I’m broken or look at me all sad like. They talk to me like I’m a normal person.
I’m tired of people walking on eggshells around me. If I’m being a cunt tell me, if I’m crying just hug me, anything but looking at me with sad eyes. I am trying to put the pieces back together. It’s a slow process and I get that. I’m trying to be okay, I’m trying to breath, I’m trying to smile.
I just want people to stop rushing me. To stop pushing me into “being okay”
windandthewolf 