Happy two months my loves. 

So, I had to edit this since my phone wouldn’t let me post it yesterday cause I didn’t really have service. 
Today my beautiful boys turn two months old. I feel totally cheated from the entire experience of having two beautiful boys to play with and feed and love on at the same time. 

It was nice to be surrounded by nature and loving spirits today when I do badly wanted to break down and die. My body was aching so bad I could barely walk at one point. They helped me through the day without even knowing it. 

I don’t understand why it’s getting harder as the days go by instead of easier. The longer I stay at home the more I feel like I’m suffocating. I can’t reach the surface and I’m slowly dying. It’s a constant reminder of the boys. Of the fact I’m not holding and loving you. 

I sit on the couch and all I see is your urn. All I see is this little urn that doesn’t look like it could fit the two of you in it. Why should it? The fates have a sick sense of humor. The universe is obviously punishing me for shit I did early in my life or in my past lives. 

I don’t get why people can have abortions and take plan b but the people who really want a baby lose them. I’m not against abortions or anything. I’ve always said not my body not my choice and I stick with it. I’m just being very childish and salty. 

I’m at the point where I’m tired of telling people how I feel. People have their own lives. Their own problems. I’m not going to keep telling people I’m depressed. I want to kill myself. I want to go away. They have enough to deal with without hearing me bitch about how I feel. 

I just want to feel semi normal again. I want to wake up and not cry. I want to wake up and not wish I was dead. I want this pain to stop and I want it to just go away. I want the men and black to come and flash me and wipe my mind. I want to forget everything. 

Two long months. Every day I wake up thinking of you. I see something when I’m up I think of you. When I go to bed I think of you. When I dream it’s you. I’m not ready to let go. Or move on. 

I’m a mess. A complete and utter fucking mess. 


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