Another Friday is here. I sit and look at the clock as it says 8:15 then slowly moves to 8:25. It feels brand new every single week. The wounds are fresh and so is the idea that I can’t hold you. I know I’m saying the same thing over and over. But I don’t know how else to word what I’m feeling.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately and I think I want to plant a tree and put some of their ashes in the ground with the tree. Let them grow together. It’s just a thought but I kinda like the sound of it. My grandpa has a tree in my parents back yard and I’m thinking I could put the boys next to his tree. So, he’d be able to watch over them.
I hate being at my house. It has the urn, photos, memories of being pregnant, memories of coming home with no babies, so many tears and heart ache. I can be happy and then go in my house and it just goes away. Leaving me with a feeling of emptiness and hatred and just bla.
I feel that when I travel and I’m coming home all that energy and repairing I do just does. The second I see welcome to NC I just want to cry. My soul doesn’t want to be here. My heart wants to be else where. I want to be in nature where I can heal and be happy. My kids love it and are beautiful in nature as well. So why not?
There’s just a lot of negative energy. I’ve been picking fights with people and not being myself. Its shit. The more my days go on the more I just want to lay down and cry. It’s hard to wake up. It hard to get dressed. It’s hard to smile and play with the kids because I just feel empty inside. I feel awful saying that too.
Every time I cry the kids hug me and ask if I’m okay or why are you sad. Oh my loves I wish I could explain it better then just “I miss your brothers. ” I wish I could put into words how I feel. It breaks my heart every time Taylinn kisses my necklace and talks to them. Or seeing Telesforo wear his bracelet with some of the ashes.
I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I miss my babies. I was able to talk about them without crying ugly for the first time. I cried but it wasn’t the hysteria cry like usual. That’s progress right? I still have days I’m like take me to the back and shoot me and take me out of this misery. And I have days where they are okay and the kids play with me and I’m happy ish.
I’m a mess. I feel skitzo. I’m happy , I’m sad, I’m angry…. so many more emotions I could be the seven dwarves. I’m going to just go back to sleep. When I sleep I don’t feel.