It has been another week without my sweet twin boys. Another week that I have cried and been angry and have cursed at the gods. In a week and a half they would have been three months old. Smiling and holding their heads up and just being three month old babies. I would give anything for that.
Last Sunday was Bereaved Mothers Day and it was heart breaking. I had people write me, text me, and call me saying they were thinking of me. That they thought of my boys. People have no idea how much it means to me. To know that people are talking about my boys, they are loving them and talking about them.
This Sunday is Mothers Day and I’m kind of not looking forward to it. It’s the first Mother’s Day without them. It’s a Mother’s Day that should have been with all five of my kids. I miss them.
I think about my boys 24/7. I talk about them and I’m getting to the point where I can talk about them and smile. I still cry and god knows my heart is broken. But, I’m able to say my twins are guardian angels. They are pain free, they are love, they are light, they are passion, they are the good that is seen.
I miss them every single second of every single day. I am starting to see that there is a little good though. My depression isn’t as bad as it was. I cry every day but it’s not as horrible. I’m starting to pick up the pieces of being broken. I’m playing with my kids, I’m working out, I’m eating healthy, I’m doing school work
I’m trying to be better. I’m trying to feel better. I’m trying to not feel like an empty shell. I danced with Taylinn, I sang with Timothy, I jumped on the trampoline with Telesforo. Living with my parents isn’t the ideal thing, but I’m trying to pick myself up and it’s slowly starting to work.
I’m mourning my babies. But, when I planted those pear trees with the boys ashes it made me smile. They’ll be able to grow with the trees and they’ll be near papa. I have dreams about them. I talk to them all the time. Taylinn talks to my necklace all the time and Timmy tries to well, he eats it lol.
I’m just taking things one day at a time. One foot in front of the other. To be honest, I’m trying to breath. I’m traveling and spending time with my three kids who are with me. They have no idea how much they are helping their mommy heal. I am so grateful to them I can’t even put it into words. But, even if they don’t realize it I am in their debt. Without them I would be dead.
windandthewolf 