I want to skip Fridays in general. Nothing good ever seems to come from them. I had multiple break downs this week and just could not sleep. Between fights with the (ex) husband, Taylinn having a rough week, and missing the boys it’s been a hell of a week.
I’ve been running and working out to try to get back into good health and it’s made me feel a little better but I still have this sinking feeling. This empty feeling that I can’t seem to shake. I miss my boys. We had such a connection that it hurts to be without them. I’m aching to hold them.
It feels like yesterday that I was being told I’d meet you and when I went to the hospital thinking I would meet you, I had my universe shattered. I want to kiss you again. I want to hold you again. I want to sing to you boys again.
My feelings go from one moment I’m fine to the next I’m having a break down; screaming and crying and wanting to burn the world down. I look at the fire place and see your ashes and it makes me sad and happy. I know you’re guardian angels and I know you’re watching over us. But, why can’t I be selfish and have you?
I was told that I was made to be a mum and I can’t wrap my head around this. Wednesday you boys would be three months old. Three months old. You’d be smiling and having those silly giggles.
I’m depressed, I’m angry, I’m confused, I’m empty, but at the same time I’m happy, and loved. It’s such a conflicting thing to be in my damn head. Anytime I laugh I feel guilty. Anytime I smile I feel guilty. If something good happens I’ll be joyful then quickly recant it because I feel like I’m cheating on me boys.
I need a break. I’m tired of feeling broken and sad. And I’m tired of people walking on eggshells. I WANT to talk about my boys. I WANT you to ask how I am doing. I’m not going to break down. I promise.