Feeling lost today

Thorin Geoffrey Dashwood Henry 8:15 am 4 pounds 11 oz 20 inches 
Tristan Emil Gary John 8:25 am 4 pounds 3 oz 18 inches
I can’t put into words how much I miss you two beautiful boys every single moment of every single day. I was only allowed 30 minutes to hold you. 30 minutes after carrying you for 8 months. It’s not fair…. it doesn’t seem right. 

It has felt like the universe has been punishing me for the past (almost)  four months. I wanted to stay in bed today and just cry. I have days where I can’t even really breath because how bad my heart hurts. 

I’ve been trying to wrap my head around this and it’s not working. My moods have been up and down as well as sidewise. Basically I am all over the place. I know I’m picking fights with people and it’s not their fault. 

Truth is I feel totally lost. More often then not my heart hurts so bad I can barley breath. I want to forget about everything. I know it’s bad to say but I do. I want the pain to stop and I want to go a day without having an anxiety attack. 

I just miss my boys. They’d be four months the 24th. They’d be smiling and have control of their heads. I want to hold them, nurse them, love them. I have so much love for them and such an aching heart. 

Empty. It’s such an empty feeling. 


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