You know, since the twins passed away most people ask my friends or family how I’m doing. Not many people actually talk to me, it’s like they’re scared I’ll get mad or break. I promise that I’m okay with talking about my boys. In fact, I love talking about them. Yes, I might cry or get teary eyed but that’s because I miss them.
Still born babies are such a taboo topic and it shouldn’t be. Many people ask how far along I was. 33 weeks. Almost 34 weeks of bonding time I had with you beautiful boys. 33 weeks of talking an singing and reading to you. 33 weeks of you beating me up haha.
I was supposed to meet them that morning. I had been having active labor and I had felt them moving up until the morning I delivered them. It makes me sad, but I love talking about them. It makes me feel good that people remember them and want to talk about them.
I’ve been making some new mom friends and I think the hardest part is telling them I have five babies but two are not with me. You always get the sympathic looks or the sad eyes. I don’t want the sad eyes, I want you to smile and say wow that’s a lot of kids haha.
Yes, I miss my boys more then anything in this world. I think about them everyday. A part of me is broken and dead because when they died I did as well. But, it’s nothing to “feel sorry ” about. They know they are loved and they are loved in Summerland.
Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing but she is dying. She may look young but on the inside she is ancient. She smiles but her heart sobs. She walks, talks, cooks , cleans, she works. She is but she is not all at once. She is here but a part of her is else where for eternity.
My boys will always be a part of me. They are me, they are my blood. They are my heart. They are my children. Just because they are in Summerland doesn’t change anything.
I’m calm and collected right now. But Friday’s suck and the 24th of each month kills me. I’m trying though… one day at a time , right?