This past week has been an emotional rollercoaster. I have been angry and depressed and just so many tears. My emotions are completely out of wack to where I’m starting to think I need to see a shrink and I need to get on meds because I can’t control what I’m feeling.
I’m taking so much of my hurt and anger out on Rave and I feel like shit. He’s been trying to help and be here for me and I either cry at him or bitch at him. Usually for things he isn’t even doing. I don’t know how he hasn’t smothered me. I wouldn’t blame him at all.
I’ve been bitchy to my mother because I’m so angry about everything. Lord knows she doesn’t deserve it either. She’s been on my side helping with everything she can. I just can’t control it.
I can see myself in like slow motion. And I’m telling myself “don’t do it” but here I am saying shit that I don’t mean and acting like everyone is against me. It’s hard to apologize too. I know I should and I know I need too. But, at the same time I’m like why should I say sorry for missing my boys?
Oh, I don’t know Alexi. Because the people you’re treating like shit are doing nothing but HELPING you. I know this. Believe me. Without my people I’d already be 6 feet under. It’s 6 right? I don’t freaking know. I’m such a mess it’s stupid.
I just want to curl up in a ball and cry and not bother anyone. Is that to much to ask for? Yeah…. because you have three kids who need your attention. I KNOW THIS. But when can I have a moment just to grieve and cry without someone talking to me?
I planted those trees for the boys but I feel like I should more. I’m all over the place. It’s insane anyone is dealing with me because of how I’ve been acting.
I really am sorry for how I’ve been treating people. I need to get my shit together.
windandthewolf 