You know, I’ve been blaming myself since my boys passed away. I could have done something better, I could have taken it easy, so many scenarios in my head talking about what I could have done in order for my boys to be here today. To be healthy loving baby boys. I have people tell me there’s nothing I could have done. I say bullshit but thats not the point.
When you have someone you once loved tell you that it is your fault the babies aren’t here and that you should slit your wrists again because it’ll do the world a favor… that’s when it really feels like a slap to the face and it feels like you did cause it all. You are the reason you’re babies passed away.
I just feel broken…. I want to give up and just say fuck it. I became an advocate for the stillborn community when I lost the boys. Why should it be taboo? Why should these angels not be talked about? I’m going to a fundraiser in October for angel babies. But, I’m asking myself why should I do this? I caused my boys to not be here. So, why should I do things when I’m part of the problem?
Most nights I cry myself to sleep. When I even get sleep that is. I wear their ashes around my neck and every time I touch it my heart breaks. I failed as a mum. I failed to protect you when that is my job. I’m awful.
I know I’ll get messages saying it wasn’t my fault. Or I can’t talk to you if I need too. But, I don’t talk to people. I feel like I’m bothering them when I do. So I don’t. I’m a fucking broken record. I say I’m broken. I say I’m sad. I say I’m heart broken. Okay, we get it. You went through shit. It happens.
I don’t even know. I’ve had people reach out and tell me the blogs helped them and I’m glad. I don’t see how. I don’t see how me saying I want to curl up in a ball helps people. But hey, whatever works.
I’m just over everything. This pain needs to stop. I desperately need it to stop.