Lost my innocence. 

-Trigger warnings and graphic. I am changing their names because I can. –

I was in seventh grade when my innocence was stolen from me. When I was raped by two 22 year olds. Most of the people I know don’t know my story because I still can’t talk about it without feeling like I’m going to puke. It’s something that has been building up and that I need to talk about, especially since it happened around this time.

I practically lived at my best friends house, her mum had moved out and her dad was always with his girlfriend. We were lucky if her older sister or brother where home. But we didn’t care, why would we? It was awesome having the place to ourselves. We could watch movies, eat what we wanted, do what we wanted.

That night didn’t seem any different then any other. Her brother and his friend where there and they where playing on the computer while we where watching movies. My friend drank and then passed out in her room. I couldn’t help but shake my head. I sat there on the couch and watched batman. I didn’t even think twice when her brother and his friend sat down on either side of me.

I knew both of them and knew they both had been drinking, so like normal they would probably pass out in like five minutes. In my mind it felt like slow motion. Like none of it was real. This can’t happen to me, I hadn’t done anything to deserve this. I was watching a movie and minding my own business.

Micheal was drunk, so when he put his hand on my thigh I smacked it off and rolled my eyes. He did it again and this time kept his grip. That’s when Alex grabbed my other thigh. Trying to stay calm i went to get up saying I’m going to bed. They wouldn’t let me up. They tightened their grip on my legs. I could feel the sting of tears in my eyes as I begged Michael to just let me go to bed. Shaking his head he said “We are going to have fun tonight. Don’t worry you’ll enjoy yourself. ”

They switched positions then. Alex scooted behind me and put a hand over my mouth and held my arms as Michael got off the couch and forced my legs open. I started to scream and cry. That was the first time Michael smacked me across the face and told me to shut the fuck up. He started to unzip his pants as I tried to get away from Alex. Kicking michael he stood up and grabbed his pocket knife from his pocket. Taking his lighter out he heated up the knife. Crying against Alex’s I tried to beg him to stop. The pain from the knife still hurts me today. He only took the heated tip of the knife and pressed it into my lip of my vagina. He did it twice. While doing so he told me to shut up and keep my mouth closed.

I screamed. Getting annoyed with me not listening he tugged my shorts down the rest of the way and rammed himself into me. I was dizzy and about to black out by this point from the pain. It felt like it lasted forever. He kept laughing and asking how I was enjoying myself. All the while I could feel Alex getting himself ready to be next. It last probably no more then 20 minutes but to me it felt like hours.

Michael had finally finished. Alex removed his hand and michael kissed my lips taunting me and called me a good little slut. Alex got in between my legs and I started screaming and ended up kneeing him in the face. I tried to run and ended up falling. I could them laugh as I heard the lighter flick again. Curling up in a ball I tried to pretend I was else where.

Michael grabbed me and laid me on my stomach as he shoved the knife tip in my skin again. Once again I was told to shut up. I felt Alex open my legs and ram himself into me. I started crying and screaming. This time Michael smacked me and turned my head. Holding my head up he raped my mouth at the same time his friend was forcing himself into me. I had thrown up but it just seemed to make michael excited.

It had probably lasted 20 minutes again before they where done. Standing up they threw a paper towel at me and told me to clean myself up I looked trashy. They went into his room and shut the door. I practically crawled to bathroom and in the tub. While I was showering, or trying to Michael came in just to tell me if I told anyone he would kill me and no one would believe me anyway.

I semi dried off while laying on the floor and crawled to my friends room and laid in bed with her. I don’t know if she heard what happened and was to scared to do anything or if she slept through it.

I did tell later, I told someone I trusted and she told me I deserved it. That I was probably teasing them. I haven’t really talked to her since that. It took me up until about 3 years ago to tell my parents. I still have nightmares. I wake up crying. I wake up hoping it wasn’t real. I wake up with those knife scars hurting.

And people wonder why I’m fucked up.


2 thoughts on “Lost my innocence. 

  1. Wow. I swear. I felt all of this as I read it. I am so sorry this happened to you. But I am glad to know that I am not the only one who has to live everyday of her life replaying these horrifying scenes in her head. I too am tortured by what happened to me everyday and still hold my head up when all I want to do is cry into a ball. And people wonder why we are the way we are.


  2. I’ve been there I’ve laid in my own blood because it was my first time I guess I was chose to be special specially damaged and fucked up 💔😱. Memories will be taunt me forever.


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