Five months old

The last few weeks I haven’t been writing because I was fighting with myself. I was forcing myself to think I was okay and I wasn’t wanting to cry every second of every day. But the truth is the more the days go by the more drained I feel. The more of a failure I feel. The more hurt I feel. 

You beautiful boys would have been 5 months old today. 152 days, 3648 hours, 218880 minutes. It seems like a life time ago. It seems like those 30 minutes you where in my arms was a dream. I look at your photos and I think “wow. Those babies are beautiful. Their mom is lucky. Then I remember I’m their mom and it breaks my heart all over again. 

Taylinn kisses my necklace every night before bed and tells them goodnight. She asks if they’re growing big just like she is and I just hug her. I sit here and think about how you’d look. What you would grow up to be. Would you have your brothers hair? Would you look just like the other three? What would your personalities be like? 

I sit by the trees we planted for you and I talk to you. I talk to you boys about everything and about nothing.  I cry and I beg this to be a nightmare. That id wake up and be pregnant or you boys would be in the crib. My feelings are just so up and up that I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster. I know I’m making everyone else dizzy as well. 

I just… I just miss you boys so much. We’re doing a walk in October and raising money for other parents and families who have gone through this as well. I’ll probably cry the whole time we are there. 

I love you boys. Not a day goes by that you aren’t on my mind. 


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