Happy 6 month birthday

6 months, 26 weeks, 182 days, 4368 hours , 262080 minutes since I held you boys. Nothing can prepare you for the loss of a child, grandchild, nephew, cousin. Nothing can prepare you for the hurt you feel every second of every day. The numbing sensation that part of your heart is missing and won’t be coming back. 

It’s horrible that I feel like I rather would have had a miscarriage again. I’ve had two d&cs and multiple natural miscarriages and none of them hurt like this. I think it’s because I didn’t get to hold them or feel them kick or talk and sing with them. 

To be around 34 weeks was a miracle in itself. Most twins are born around 31 weeks. I walked into the hospital expecting to meet my boys. My doctors said that I would meet them and then it would be NICU time. Which was no big deal. Been through the NICU twice and I love new Hanover anyway. 

There was so much blood. Everything was so silent during those minutes that I had you boys. I only had 30 minutes to hold and love you. It was the hardest 30 minutes of my life. I tried to get you boys back. I ended up on the floor with a nurse holding me. Nothing will ever take away that feeling. 

You boys would be starting to crawl. You’d be laughing and being sweethearts. I look at your pictures everyday. I talk to the trees I planted with your ashes. I hold the necklace close to my heart that holds your ashes. You boys are so loved. I miss you boys. Your siblings miss you. You changed so many lives.  

The people who talk poorly about you sweet boys are pure evil and you’ll never have to worry about them or their energy being near you. You’re both in a place with pure love and light. A place those people will never be. 

Happy 6 month birthday my beautiful boys. I love you two. More then anything. I wish I could have taken your place and you be here. And that’s all I have for you boys , unconditional pure love. 

My guardian angels. My beautiful beautiful twin boys. 


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