Maybe bitter? 7 months

I’ve gotten to the point where I am almost heartless or just cold when it comes to babies. Maybe, it’s that I’m just bitter. I mean I have those few friends where I’m like aww they’re adorable but I haven’t tried to hold them or be near them. I don’t know how I’d be around a baby or if I’d cry or how I’d react. It’s something I’m not even wanting to touch yet. 

When I see people pregnant it instantly makes me want to stop talking to them or makes me very irritable. It’s an awful feeling to be so bitter towards people you care about. 

Every second, minute, hour, day , that goes by I feel more more bitter. I have more sadness, more aching. I miss my boys. I miss then more then words can describe. 

They would have been 7 months. 30 weeks. 213 days. 306600 minutes. It feels like a life time. I can only imagine the things you boys would be up too. I look at your pictures everyday. I talk to your siblings about you boys. I sing to your trees. I mourn you, I talk about you. I refuse  to let your memory be forgotten. 

I’ve been raising money for a walk that’s dedicated to helping families with funeral costs and therapy etc. it’s been making me feel a little better. I want to do more. So many are born still and people don’t realize it. I’m in multiple groups and there are hundreds of mothers and fathers in every group. I see that I’m not alone even if I feel alone. 

I saw a post saying no one can understand what it feels like unless you’ve been through it. I’ve had multiple miscarriages but nothing compared to holding my two boys who where so far along they where concidered term for twins. 

Nothing hurts more then losing a baby. I wouldn’t wish this on the people I hate most. 

Happy 7 months my sweet loves. 

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