Do you guys ever get annoyed when people say “you seem to be handling it well” or “you seem like you’re coping good” or something along those lines? I told a friend I’m in a constant numb state, almost like a haze. And she said “well you just laughed before” and it really bothered me, of course I didn’t tell her that, although I wanted to. Its like if they don’t physically see our tears they don’t think we grieve them anymore. I can still laugh and be numb, if I’m not sobbing I’m numb, every feeling other than uncontrollable sadness and devastation, is numb.
My soul had been crushed and stomped on repeatedly, my world has ended. I laugh at things, yet that laughter stems from hurt. My constant state of mind is numb, even laughter can fix or change that. Laughter is an emotion, a reaction to something. My being is numb with several different reactions in a days time, whether they be happy or not.
I just hate how I feel like if I don’t ‘put on a show’ for people and ugly cry about my boys, they think I’m “okay”. Like the only way for people to understand my heartbreak is to sob uncontrollably in front of them.
I want to tell them the truth, and tell them I’m not okay. But they see me standing, they see me out of the house, they see me being a mom to my living children, and they assume because I’m still caring for them and breathing that I’m “okay”
It doesn’t work that way. None of this is how it works. I’m just… tired. Always tired.