I’ll admit yesterday was a double edge sword for me. I caught myself starting to cry on several different occasions. It was my birthday and it was Halloween so I had fun with my friends and kids and family. But, at the same time it would have been the boys first Halloween. 

I had this huge thing planned out that all the kids would do a theme and we’d all go trick or tricking and the boys would be in their Twin stroller. It breaks my heart I had to change the whole plan. 

I almost feel guilty that I had fun and laughed and had a decent birthday while my boys aren’t here. I know I shouldn’t feel “guilty” but I do. And every time I laughed I felt a twinge of guilt. Now, it’s November and we’re getting into the other holidays. 

I’m scared how I’ll react. Im scared of breaking down while watching the kids do holiday activities. This would be first thanksgiving, first Christmas , first New Years, I mean their first birthday is in 3 months. Lord knows how that’ll be. 


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