Since I’ve held you boys. It feels like a life time.
It’s been ridiculously hard with the holidays coming up. It took hours to get my decorations up in the house because all the crying. The boys stockings where awful to see and hang up. Taylinn keeps asking if Santa is going to leave them gifts and Telesforo tells her they will celebrate in Summerland with papa.
He keeps asking me if I like the holidays and all I can say is “I love that you like you. ” because honestly I’d skip this part of the year if I was able too. It’s getting harder and harder to deal with it. I started meds, I’m seeing a therapist. But, it’s like the more I talk about it the more real it is that you boys are not here.
Photos are popping up in my time hop from last year where I was like 5/6 months pregnant with you loves and was counting down till I met you. This was supposed to be your first Christmas. You would be 10 months old and crawling and making trouble together.
My heart is totally broken that your first Christmas won’t be with me. I know I’m selfish for wanting to be with you. But it’s not fair you’re not here. It’s not fair I have five kid stockings and only three and being visited by Santa.
These emotions go from guilt to anger to depression to anger back to guilt. It’s a constant mixture cluster fuck. I miss you boys. I miss your little fingers and toes. I miss your hair and your little noses. I miss you. I miss you so much.