February 1st

12:00 hit and my heart instantly dropped. In a few weeks it will be Thorin and Tristians first birthday. I should planning a fun photo shoot, two smash cakes, games, fun invites, things to do for my boys.

Instead I’m trying to keep myself together everyday. I’m trying to not cry in public. I’m trying to get out of bed every morning. I’m trying to convince myself that living and breathing is a good thing.

Every day I have to talk to myself. I have to try to tell myself it’s not my fault. I have to try to convince myself I will see my boys one day. It’s a never ending nightmare I feel like I can’t wake up from.

I cry myself to sleep, I wake up crying, I have anxiety attacks in the shower, I see babies or little kids and start crying.

I don’t know how the next few weeks will be. I don’t know how I will be, how I will react. If I’ll get out of bed. I just don’t know anything anymore.

February 24th is their first birthday, and instead of throwing a huge party with family and friends and loved ones…. my beautiful boys are in Summerland without their mum. I can’t hug them or kiss them. I can’t love them and share with them. A huge part of me went with you and i don’t know if it’ll ever heal.

They say time heals everything, I want to say bullshit.


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