This past year has shaken me to the very core. I have questioned my very existence. I have questioned friends, family, love ones, basically everything I thought I believed in I couldn’t bring myself believe in anymore.
I have more scares on my body from trying to commit suicide. I was very religious and to this day I still find myself questioning and having a hard time believing in a higher power. Whenever anyone says “there was another plan” or “you’ll meet them one day” it takes everything me to not smack them. And that hurts me because i don’t want to feel that way.
I’m in the double digits for miscarriages. That hurt me and on my last miscarriage it was twins. THEN I had Thorin and Tristian. My beautiful sweet identical twin boys Who i had close to 36 weeks. Who are going to be turning one in 17 days. The closer it gets to their birthday the harder it is not to cry.
Its not even just at home anymore. I find myself randomly starting to cry in public again. Which I haven’t done since around 6 months after their passing. Nothing even has to happen to set me off, I’m just always crying and the closer it gets to their birthday to more I’m crying.
Yes, I’m doing medications. Yes, I’m doing therapy and I’m not feeling better. Things keep happening and i just feel broken. I keep going back to a parent should not hold their dead children in their arms. A parent shouldn’t ever have to feel that pain. It leaves you feeling empty. I take that back because empty isn’t even the word, there aren’t words to describe it. I know I barley feel alive.
I have a constant ache. I have this constant need to cry. This constant need to run. This constant need to change everything. The voices in my head are constantly screaming and it’s never ending.