15 months

I haven’t been blogging lately because I’ve been trying to get my life together. Which isn’t easy when I know idea what the hell i am doing with my life. I’ve been on and off the road which has been nice but trying to figure out my head has been hard.

You boys would be 15 months. You’d be babbling, walking, making chaos, enjoying nature with your siblings. It hurts my heart thinking of everything that would be happening right now.

It’s been a rough two years without you boys and getting pregnant again and having a miscarriage was even harder. Ever time you went pee all you see is blood? It’s a constant reminder. Your body isn’t good enough to carry a baby. What did I do that was so horrible that made it this way. I swear I can’t catch a break.

I know it sounds like I’m full of self pity, and maybe I am. And people say “you have three beautiful babies here on earth. Be thankful for that” but let me ask you…. what kid would you be willing to give up? What kid would be willing to send away for good? So, before you tell me to basically get over it… think about that. Think about what kid you could live without.How painful it is every-time moms have to go pee and see blood. How painful it is for a dad to know they won’t feel a belly move at night. To cry. It’s been 15 months and it’s been harder. I laugh, I go out, and I joke… but I cry at night. I wake up crying wanting to hold you boys.


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