Since loosing Thorin and Tristian I’ve realized I’m not the same person. Going through a stillborn birth with twins broke me. The pain I’ve gone through would change anyone, and it has changed me. It opened my eyes to the life I was living. I was going through the motions of life. Waking up, feeding the kids, trying to act like I was okay, trying to be someone I wasn’t. I was dying. Surrounding myself in the chaos that was killing me.
I was around people who didn’t care about me. Most of them I don’t talk to anymore and that helps a lot. I have a select few people I talk to now, they’re who I call family. The others where toxic. I believe losing the boys helped me see that as well. Helped me see who was really family and who was really there for me. We see who I’m still in communication with now.
Having my boys and losing them is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life. Cutting people out of my life to take out the toxic was something that needed to be done as well. The pain changed me. I’m not who I used to be and I’ll never be able to go back to who I used to be.
I won’t apologize for that. I won’t apologize for being someone else. I won’t apologize for having my world turned upside upside. For feeling alone. For feeling fucked over. For feeling betrayed. For feeling forgotten. For feeling angry. For feeling bitter.
One thing is for sure. Nothing in life is easy or certain. You’ll be fighting until the end. And when you’ve overcome all chaos has to offer, those who had it easy will struggle. By fighting through it, you are giving yourself a skill some just do not have. When the world, and the realm, erupt into chaos, you’ll be the one standing with a sword still in your hand. Be proud of yourself. You’re more of a warrior than you know. Even in times of trauma, we try to maintain a sense of normality until we no longer can. That, my friends, is called surviving. Not healing. We never become whole again … we are survivors. If you are here today… you are a survivor. But those of us who have made it thru hell and are still standing? We bare a different name: warriors.