Infant and pregnancy loss awareness month/ hurricane Flo

So, I’m going to start with the hurricane we just had. My parents took the kids and I stayed at my parents house because I didn’t want to leave Thorin and Tristians trees. Some people might find that weird but, think about it. I put the ashes of my babies in those trees. Thorin did great, he blew in the wind and then stood up like the big brother he is. Tristian has some issues, he took a beating and I had to get held back so I didn’t go into a hurricane to try to straighten him. My dad came home and straightened him and has him all settled again, but seeing his tree bent over like that broke my heart.

Going onto October being Infant and pregnancy loss awareness month. Worse month of the year. Videos are being shared and I’m crying non stop. Today Telesforo heard me crying and he came in and he hugged me for a good ten minutes. The other two hugged me and sang to me and where telling me “no tears mommy” and asking what’s wrong. It’s hard to explain to a three year old what’s wrong. I told them I missed their brothers and it makes mommy sad. So they hugged me tighter and we sat there for a good twenty minutes. I think I really needed that. Just a good cuddle puddle with my three babies that are here.

Telesforo has been amazing during the whole thing. He steps up when my depression is really bad, I don’t deserve him. I really don’t. I don’t know any ten year old like him. I’ve laid there not wanting to move because I’m depressed about the boys and he’ll bring me a drink and kiss my forehead and then make lunch for Timmy and Taylinn. Then come back and watch a movie with me. He’s the best and I don’t know how I’d function without him.

The boys would be 20 months this month. I can’t even imagine how they’d be. I can only think insane. Haha. The five of them running around chasing each other and laughing and being wild and crazy. It makes my heart happy and hurt thinking about it… I miss them more every day.

I don’t understand still…

I don’t think I ever will…

But , I know I want to break the stigma. I want to break the silence. I am 1 in 4. I am the face. I am a mother of angels. I am a stillborn mother.

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