So, the holidays are coming up and it’s really hard. Pregnancy and infant loss awareness day just passed and not a single fucking news station mentioned it. Man that made me sad and mad. It’s like all of us out here don’t exist. It is that taboo, it’s awful. The boys walk just happened and it was beautiful, I cried multiply times. But, it was nice being around 200 other people who know how much pain I’m in. Well, nice and really awful.
Anyway, Halloween (my birthday) is coming up and I know I should be excited. But, it depresses me to be honest. All I can think about is how the twins could add To the family costume; of how they’d be waddling down the road or in the stroller trick or treating. They could be the eels instead of the stuffed one I have. How cute would that be? Instead, I get to curl up in a ball and sob on the floor about it. It’s not right that they aren’t here and aren’t involved in any of this.
I know they’re perfectly safe and happy where ever they are and it’s me who is miserable and upset all the time. But, I just don’t understand I have so many questions and unanswered thoughts. Why did this happen?What did I do to deserve this? Why am I being punished?
The worse feeling is being jealous of people who are pregnant or seeing people with babies. Or even holidays. Like I said Halloween is coming up and it hurts. I should be excited and I’m just half way dreading it. I want Thorin and Tristian to be here. It’s even harder to not have people around that I can talk with about this and understands. But, I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone.
It just feels like it’s getting harder over getting easier. I’m tired of how hard this is. I just want to cuddle my boys and love on them. Is that so much to ask?
windandthewolf 