It’s almost a numbing feeling, knowing that you boys would be two years old on Sunday. I can’t put into words how I’m feeling. I can say that I’m heartbroken , I can say that I want to cry, scream, crawl into a hole and fucking die. I can say i want to literally pull my heart out so I don’t feel anymore.
I know that I take it out on people who don’t deserve it; I’m not stupid. I know I give attitude, I know I curl up and stop talking, I know I clam up. I don’t know how to process this. I still don’t. It’s been almost two years without you beautiful boys and I’m still wanting to run. Pretend this didn’t happen. So many things have happened since you boys passed and I’m still stuck.
People have moved on, why wouldn’t they? But, I feel like I’m stuck in time. Like I’m screaming and no one can hear me. I’m pulling my hair out and I’m crying, no sobbing, and people just keep walking. I’m broken and I don’t know how to heal. I try to smile and I try to play the role of happy go lucky and it just makes me want to cry harder.
At night when people are asleep I cry in the bathroom. I sit in the corner and just cry. My hearts not the same, I don’t know if it will ever be the same. And I don’t know if I want to move forward and try new things or stay where I’m at just tell everyone to fuck off. It’d make life easier to be honest. It would make their life easier.
I don’t know where my head is at; I do know it’s not where it should be. Sigh. I miss my boys. Every god damn day I miss my boys.