Today you boys would have been two years old. I woke up around 6 sobbing like a bitch, it’s been an on and off thing all day. I can’t help but wonder what you boys would look like, how you would act. Would you be terrorizing your siblings? Would you be laughing and rolling everywhere? It would be double the trouble that’s for sure. But, I sure as hell would love to have it here that’s for sure.
I feel almost empty, my heart is hurting. I have fights in my head everyday on where I should be. I know I have three kids here and I’m tired of hearing that. It doesn’t help, it makes it worse. What about my boys? Who’s with them? Who’s raising them? They don’t have their mommy. Don’t they need me? I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling torn in half. Half my heart died when they did.
What If I did something when I was pregnant to cause this? Was it the trip to Florida? Was it going to the protests? Was it the accident? I could have done something different and you boys would be here today with me. These questions haunt me everyday. I feel awful thinking this way, but what can I do? There are nights when everyone go to bed and I curl up and cry myself to sleep because I feel broken. The next day I put myself together and act like I’m okay. There’s nothing else I can do, I’ve gotten so used to being the one who pulls everyone else up that I’m sinking more.
I just want to feel whole again. I want to smile again and mean it. I want to have a day where I’m happy and not cry at night. I miss my boys.
Happy birthday my sweet boys, I hope that lolo and papa and uncle Bobby are celebrating with you because I can’t. I hope you got your balloons and I hope you are happy where you are. I’m sorry that I’m not happier. I’m sorry this is so hard for me. I wish I could be happier. It’s so hard not having you in my arms. Not listening to you laugh, not seeing you play, not watching you grow.
Since I was able to hold you, sing to you, love on you, since you where taken from me and it was the hardest day of my life.
Thorin Geoffrey Dashwood Henry Seymon8:15 am 4 pounds 11 oz 20 inches
Tristan Emil Gary John Seymon8:25 am 4 pounds 3 oz 18 inches
Feb. 24th 2017