Sometimes it’s a little to real

I’ve never said I was perfect, I’m far from it. I make mistakes and I cry a lot. I get stuck in my past and I sit there and get don’t see a way out. I talk to a therapist, I take my meds, I see my doctors, I do what I’m supposed to do but sometimes it just gets to real for me.

There are times at night I wake up and have to bite my tongue from screaming because I feel Andrues arm around me. I have to calm myself down and remember it should be there.

I’ve had nightmares where I’ve pissed myself, woken up had to change sheets clean myself off and go back to bed. It makes me cry that I’m damaged like this. That you hold this over me. That I’ll randomly flinch still when someone gets to close. Or if I close my eyes to long I’ll see it.

When it was good, it was good. But little things set you off. Something at work got you annoyed and I said something that apparently started an argument and it led to you grabbing me by my hair and slamming my head into the wall.

You said it wouldn’t happen again. You went to bed early and I woke you up to see if you’d have dinner with me. You didn’t like how I woke you up. You followed me into the bathroom and choked me till I passed out. I woke up to you kicking me and saying you didn’t say I could pass out. I was in a puddle of my own piss.

You made me feel bad for these. I could have avoided these if I wasn’t bothering you. I still half way feel bad about them. And you know what, I found comfort with someone else. Someone who was simple, didn’t like confrontation, loved big, and wouldn’t lay a hand on me.

You tell people all these things about me to make it look like you’re the victim and you did nothing wrong, and that’s okay. I’m not mad. I think the worse part was having to get over the part of talking to someone all day everyday for years to nothing. You know they are toxic and narcissistic but you want to check on them and make sure they are okay because that damn empath in you wants to make sure that friend you once had is okay.

It doesn’t matter you still have nightmares or that you’re slowly healing. It’s ridiculous; the human mind that is.

If you would have asked me last year today, I’d have said we would be best friends forever. In each other’s lives forever. How quickly things change.


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