It’s been a little over a week since my boys where “born”. 10 days since I held them in my arms. 14,400 minutes since they joined other guardian angels. 864,000 seconds since a part of me died with you boys.
It doesn’t feel like any time has gone by, it feels like I just discharged myself from the hospital. I’ve barely slept and have had no concept of time. The only way I know it’s not still Friday the 24th is because people who have come and gone.
I can’t even begin to say how much I appreciate everyone who’s been helping me. Who has been over caring for the kids and myself. Who has been sending energy and healing thoughts. Who has been messaging checking on me.
I know I seem short and irritable. I apologize for it. I just don’t know how to answer questions without worrying people. Being honest scares people, but I can’t lie about how I’m feeling either.
I’m sorry if it feels like I’m ignoring you or having an attitude. I don’t know how to talk to people right now. I don’t know how to “move on” like I’m being told to do. I don’t know how to just pretend that my life isn’t falling apart.
I’m sorry if I’m not the friend that I was. Or the daughter and sister that I was. I’m trying. I’m trying my hardest to not bother or inconvience people.
I’m sorry that I failed my boys and with doing that I failed as a mother. I’m sorry I can’t smile and laugh like I was doing all the time while I was pregnant or before.
I was told that “things happen” and “nothing you do can change what happened. ” and to just “move on there is more to life. ” I’m sorry that I’m letting people down because I can’t just “move on”.
My heart and soul are broken and knowing that I’m letting others down by not mourning fast enough hurts as well.
All I know is I’m trying.
I’m sorry. Please forgive me.
One thought on “I’m sorry. ”
Take your time. No one can comprehend what you’re going through and no one can dictate how long is appropriate to mourn. You’re so strong for being able to talk about this. Many are never this strong.