I’m petty or I’m straight up bitchy. Either way, I deleted a few people off Facebook today. They didn’t say anything to me and they weren’t ugly. It was strictly because they kept sharing videos of twin babies or multiple babies together. I kept seeing these videos down my newsfeed and started deleting people.
Maybe it’s because today marks five weeks since my loves were taking from me. Maybe that’s why I’m so sensitive today. My sadness is slowly starting to become more angry. I’m angry they were taken from me. I’m angry because I don’t understand. I’m angry because it’s not fair. I’m angry because I don’t get why the universe is punishing me.
I feel guilty when I laugh with my three loves. I feel guilty when I have friends over and I’m enjoying myself. Like I shouldn’t be enjoying myself, this feels like cheating. So then I try to block people out so I don’t cheat on my boys. It’s a never ending cycle. I’ve read this is how I’ll feel the rest of my life. I feel like I’m skitzo. My friends and family must feel like their on a damn rollercoaster with me.
I just don’t think people will understand how much these boys touched my life. How special they are to me. That even on my darkest nights they are my shining stars. I can’t really accept the fact you boys are gone. I feel like when I open my eyes I instantly cry and through out the day my depression stays. Some days are better then others. I feel that my bad days are awful and the good days are few and in between.
I feel bad for T cubed most days because they have to deal with their mom being a psycho. I don’t want them to think they’re doing anything wrong because they are perfect. But, they’ve seen me break down more in this month then in their whole lives. Taylinn and Telesforo now ask how I’m feeling when they see me. Timothy just hugs me and says I love you.
Truth is I feel like I’m a mess more often then not. I’m not sure what I’m doing. And with how I’m feeling I think I could be put in a padded room. One second I’m fine, the next I’m sad, the next I don’t want to leave my couch. Up down side to side.
I’m driving myself crazy.