I’m horrified to go through my room, to go through my drawers, or even my closets. It’s like every time I do I find something of the boys or I find maternity clothes. I was trying to find a shirt and ended up finding my shirt that had the two babies on it. My heart broke all over again as I started crying again.
Everything that reminds me of them makes me cry; music, tv, clothes, things people say. I stare at their urn and cry. I stare at the necklace around my neck and cry. I look at my other three babies and cry. They look so much like their siblings. From their nose to their lips to other features. I’m so in love them and just want to be with them.
I have more bad days then good lately. I just miss them so much. I pick fights with people and cry in public and just freak over small things. I’m starting to think I do need to go to group therapy or get put on anti depressants. To bad marijuana is illegal in my state. Could really help with my depression and thoughts I have.
I’ve been making excuses for people not to come by the house. I would rather be alone then have to talk and pretend to be okay. Because when you’re around people and they see you’re upset they want you to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about it! I just want to go to sleep and not think.
But then again I’ve been having nightmares when I sleep. The other night I dreamt I was holding the babies and then a man in a cloak came and just took them from me without saying a word. I woke up sobbing hysterically. I am really surprised I’m not dehydrated from all the crying I do. I did learn I’m really good at faking smiles to get people to stop asking “how are you today?”
I mean honestly, how do you think I am? It’s been 6 weeks since I had my heart ripped out of my body. I’m not going to be sunshine and bloody rainbows. I feel like I’m always apologizing to people I apologize for talking about the twins all the time. I apologize for being a bitch. I apologize for crying. I apologize for asking questions. I apologize when I feel like I bugging people. I apologize for making excuses to not see people.
I’m just tired of surprises. I’m tired of feeling so torn. I’m mourning my children and no mother should have to mourn her children. It’s not right. No mother should have to bury her child/children. I truely feel that I did something to upset the universe to be punished this horribly.
Why else would this happen? I’m told my greatest quality is being a mother…So then why would this happen?! Why take two of my babies from me?
Hug your kids tightly. Kiss them. Love them. Show them how important they are to you.