Another day of feelings

My sweet boys. The house is quiet because your siblings are in Wilmington with your grandparents. I’m missing you extra hard right now. Your four month “birthday” is coming up soon and it’s still hard to comprehend. I dream about you both and I talk to you everyday but it doesn’t fill the void that is missing. I talk about you all the time and watch videos of you boys moving around in my stomach and lord knows I look at all the photos the nurses took all the time. I wish I could’ve held you longer. I wish I could have loved on you more. Goddess knows I hope you forgive me one day for not being able to protect you the way that I should have.

People have tried to comfort me and compare it to losing a husband or a grandparent. I understand they know what lose is and I feel bad for them. But, to be honest IN MY MIND nothing can ever compare to losing a child. Having that bond ripped from you is the most devastating thing I’ve been through, and let’s face it… I’ve gone through a lot. 

I miss my boys. To be honest its getting harder as the days go by. Harder to smile, harder to breath. People say not to feel guilt, easier said then done. People say to smile and look at the boys without crying. Easier said then done. 

I’ve been dreaming about them and it’s a mixture of feelings. I’m happy to be around them and depressed at the same time. Part of me wants to be with them. Part of me knows I can’t be. I know I’ll meet them again. I’m just selfish I guess. I can’t let them go. 

Four months old this month. I see friends who had babies around the same time and it breaks my heart. I’m happy for them but I’m jealous and a tad angry. It’s not fair and I feel bad for feeling this way. I guess it’s me being bitter. 


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