Holidays are the fucking worse. I miss the boys more around this time of year. The worse part is no one understands that’s around me. I don’t care about the mood swings I’m having or how I’m acting to be honest. The emptiness I’m feeling is something that I’m not filling. No amount of drugs or sex or yelling or anything helps with this pain.
I’m glad it’s pushing people away, shows who really is family. I honestly don’t need anyone else. What I’m sick of is people not even knowing what the hell im going through. Kacey told me everytime I feel the need to blame myself on something or someone is being a jerk shrug and say “fuck it” or “fuck this shit”. Said it needs to be my new motto. I’m starting to see why she is how she is and why she doesn’t care what people think or say.
Holidays suck, I put on a smile and act okay for my kids so they get a great holiday. But add other issues that I’m not ready to talk about and it’s harder. I’m not even sure what to do. I feel myself sinking. This is a depression I can’t get out of and I’m not sure if I even want to get out of it.
People say the boys would hate to see me like this; well I wouldn’t be like this if they where here. Fuck it, right? I’m tired of being blamed for how I act. I’m hormonal, It’s the holidays I miss my babies, I’m taking 40 god damn pills a day, I’m. A single mother who deals with a lot. I want to be left alone by most people to be honest.
I miss Thorin and Tristian. I miss their chubby cheeks and their curly hair(Thorins , Tristian was kinda bald haha). I just miss them. I want to be with them. I’m tired of curling up in the bathroom and crying at night. I’m tired of not understanding why. I’m tired of being tired. Fucking holidays.